Aftermath

For the fourth night in a row Kathryn had been unable to find any sleep. Because so much had happened lately, she simply couldn't close her eyes long enough. Despite the exhaustion having made itself known, she still refused to see the Doctor to ask for a sedative, though. She didn't feel up to being asked questions she had no answer to.

On nights like these, Kathryn's quarters seemed like a prison to her. Because of that she prefered to wander along Voyager's coridors, thinking.

Kathryn couldn't shake off thoughts of Kashyk. He was a brilliant actor, she had to give him credit for that. She had almost been convinced of his sincerity and had almost trusted him. Only her earlier caution had prevented the worst. A shivers ran down her spine as she imagined the worst-case scenario in which Kashyk destroyed the wormhole and captured the telepaths.

Another far more disturbing thought kept her from sleeping, though. She had been attracted to Kashyk, had let him kiss her, and had even kissed him back. Why? Kathryn wasn't closer to an answer than she had been four days ago. Kashyk was certainly handsome and had charisma, but others had the same qualities, too. Still, she had never acted this way before. Besides, she hadn't trusted Kashyk.

When Kathryn was honest to herself, it was not the kiss itself that was bothering her, nor was it her reaction to it. The effect it had on her kept her awake. The kiss had triggered something within her, causing her to realize what she had been missing for five years . . .

She came to a sudden stop as she noticed the mess hall doors in front of her. Kathryn figured she must have been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't realized where she was going. Now that she was already there, she might as well go inside and maybe have a cup of coffee.

The mess hall was empty which wasn't that big a surprise, considering it was three in the morning. Because she preferred the stars as the only source of light, Kathryn refrained from increasing the illumination in the room. She then replicated a cup of coffee and settled down at a table near the windows.

"I'm assuming you couldn't sleep, either."

Kathryn's head snapped up, for she had known this voice for five years. Why hadn't she noticed his presence before? Because now, as she was looking to her right, she could see the broad frame of her first officer sitting on a couch in a corner. He looked quite relaxed with his feet propped up on a nearby table.

"No," she replied because she didn't know what else to say.

"Any particular reason?"

"I could ask you the same thing, you know."

By now, her eyes had adjusted to the level of illumination, and she could make out the cup in his hands, most likely some tea.

"I'm too worried to sleep," Chakotay replied in that soft voice of his. "You keep me worried."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you think I've noticed the dark circled under your eyes? You're not sleeping well and I can't figure out why."

Kathryn could very well imagine the frown etching into his forehead, although she didn't see it. So he was worried about her? Perhaps she should tell him what was bothering her . . .

"That couch looks awfully comfortable," she commented softly. "Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all."

Holding her tepid coffee in both hands, Kathryn stood and slowly walked over to Chakotay. He had shifted a bit in order to make some room for her to sit next to him. After she sat, she propped up her feet as well.

"Tell me, Chakotay, what do you expect from your life? What do you wish for?"

He appeared a little confused, obviously not knowing what she was getting at. Still he answered.

"There have been times when I've thought differently, but I wish for some quiet in my life. I'd love to be home without worrying about anyone's business but my own. But most of all I wish for someone to share my life with . . . What about you?"

She sipped at her coffee before she replied. "Well, I used to think I wanted a Starfleet career. A life full of rules and regulations. As long as I can remember, I had wanted to be captain of a starship . . . All of this changed four days ago, though. So actually, I wish for the same things as you do."

"And what has triggered this change of mind, Kathryn?"

A moment of silence followed before she spoke again.

"Kashyk," Kathryn replied. She then began to tell him everything that had happened, and the impact that it had and was having on her.

"Do you miss him?"

Chakotay appeared neither angry not hurt, like she had almost expected him to be, given the fact that he had been in love with her once. She wasn't sure whether he still was or not.

"Not at all," she replied truthfully. "My insomnia isn't about Kashyk. It isn't about that kiss, either. I don't have, nor did I have, any feelings for him except dislike. It's about the effect that kiss had on me."

"Which effect?" Chakotay slowly asked as if afraid of her answer.

Now was as good a time as any to ask the one question most important to her, Kathryn decided, turning ninety degrees and looking into his eyes for the first time since they had started to talk.

"Am I too late?" she asked softly, her voice trembling.

He was about to ask for what she thought she might be too late when he grasped the meaning of her words. His heart skipped a beat or two, and he couldn't help staring at her. So it took him quite some time to form a coherent thought, let alone answer her.

"Never," Chakotay eventually said. "You could never be too late . . ."

His reply told her everything she wanted to know, and so Kathryn smiled in relief and gratitude, leaning her head against his shoulder, letting him wrap his arms around her.

Kathryn's last thought was of the oddity that it had taken Kashyk's kiss to get her this far. Then she drifted off to sleep . . .

THE END

There is a sequel to this story: Slowly But Surely

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