Always Be There

I'm sitting in my family's old house in Indiana, and I'm wondering what I actually want. For six month we've been back in the Alpha Quadrant - back on Earth. Funny. A few month ago I would've thought of it as home, but now it's just Earth. I think it's because Earth isn't home anymore. My mother is dead. She had died just a month before our return. She had known I'm alive, but hadn't made it. And I miss her very much. Phoebe is now married to a Starfleet Lieutenant Commander and two months pregnant, but I can't talk to her personally. She and her husband are living on a galaxy class starship which patrols along the Romulan neutral zone. Bear is gone, too. Mark told me she had died in her sleep - at least peacefully.

Mark.

He, too, had married. For two years he's been married to a woman who loves him like he deserves it. And I'm happy for him, for both of them. Really. Because even if he had waited for me, it would have never been the same. Oh, I will always love him, but as a very dear friend - nothing more. But when I saw them together I suddenly realized what I lack in my own life.

Happiness.

Of course, I was happy when we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant. After a journey of six years, at last we had made it back in one piece. This happiness faded a bit when I thought of Hogan and all the other members of my crew who had died during our trip back home. But I was happy. I just lack something. Something very important. Something I had denied myself for six full years.

Love.

Problem is, there had never been an opportunity to talk to him. Him. Chakotay. And on the other hand, I just didn't know how to tell him.

Sure we were together at Starfleet HQ, but this was all business. We had to be on the safe side the Marquis wouldn't be put in jail. So we tried to make four Starfleet admirals understand how our situation had been out there. How much the Marquis had changed in our unique situation.

It took us three weeks of hard work just to convince half of them. But thanks to Chakotay's speaker qualities and my stubbornness we had made it after one and half month. These weeks were more difficult than all the time I've spent in the delta quadrant, but at last we made it.

This was reason enough to have a celebration.

Everyone was there. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Seven, Neelix - even Tuvok. Of course, Chakotay was there, too. After all half of the honor was his. At this evening I should've talked to him, but suddenly I was afraid. What if he didn't love me anymore? Since we had arrived home there hadn't been a single sign that he's still in love with me. I had expected him to confront me with his feelings, I though he would want to know what mine are.

Those thoughts made me uncertain, so I decided to say nothing. I came to the conclusion he didn't love me anymore. And I was hurt.

But I couldn't even blame him. Hadn't I been the one, who had kept him at arms length for six years? Hadn't I been the one, who told him to go on with his life, because I hadn't wanted him to wait for me?

Yes, I have been - but I've lied.

It had been fear which made me push him away. Fear, I would had been so happy with Chakotay in my life that getting the crew home might had become less important. Fear, I would had lost myself in his obsidian eyes and would have never been able to separate myself from him. Every other man I had had a romantic relationship with, had been safe. Not Chakotay. He scared me.

The last four and a half month had been pure hell. I had no time at all. Starfleet wanted to know everything about our journey, so I spent night and day at Starfleet HQ telling my story over and over again. I was very exhausted and incredibly relieved when all the work was done. Thank God, when I asked for a vacation of an unknown period of time Starfleet agreed and here I am. Sitting alone in my family's old house and wondering, what I actually want.

At the beginning it seemed to be a great idea to move in here, but now I'm not so certain anymore. The house is unbelievably big and its size only reminds me of the fact that I'm the only one, who uses it.

*

Two very long weeks I tried to find Chakotay without any success. After hours of thinking I have changed my mind. I have realized I need to know for sure what Chakotay's feelings for me are. But there is no way to contact him or at least leave a message for him, because nobody knows where he is. So I've given up my search. I decided maybe a little bit time in my cabin up in the Rocky Mountains would do me some good. Maybe it would help me to get a grip.

I was wrong.

For a whole week I've been up here, only snow surrounding me, but from day to day I feel worse. When I watch myself in the mirror, I look a bit less than me. Old. Thin. Alone. But it doesn't matter anymore; I don't care anymore. I'm depressed and I don't feel like there is still something to live for.

Each new day begins like the last one. Get up. Do nothing. I even wonder why I bother to get up at all. But then - I don't know why - but I feel like walking in the snow. For some reason I think it would calm me down, would help me to go on with my life.

But, again, I was wrong. After two hours of walking around without any real aim I feel even worse and very exhausted. I can't go on, and if I'm honest I don't want to anymore. My strength, my energy is completely gone. The physical like the mental one. So I decide to sit down and maybe never stand up again.

I'm hardly able to feel my feet after what seems like hours of sitting in the cold, but probably were just a few minutes. While I'm weeping back and forth and feeling pity for myself I hear a sound behind me. To see who dared to disturb me I clear my view, which is blurred from hours of crying, to look behind me. When recognition dawns in I can't hold back the loud sob which tries to escape my throat.

I can't believe it! Chakotay is here, standing right before me! He kneels down beside me, and my tears start anew, but this time they are tears of joy. Then he takes me in his arms, and I still can't believe. But even now, when I'm able to touch him, there is the thought all this might be a dream. So I ask in a hoarse voice, "Chakotay?"

"Mmmm," comes the reply.

"Tell me I'm not dreaming, that I won't wake up to find out all this to be a dream. Tell me you're really here."

He doesn't answers right away, but holds me tighter to his chest and I realize he, too, is crying.

"Kathryn, I'm here," he confirms. "You're not dreaming. Because if you are, that means I am, too."

Everything I've wanted to know, he has just shown and told me. I'm so overwhelmed with joy I nearly lose my voice, so I whisper, "Chakotay, I love you."

Upon my words he picks me up with this strong arms of his and begins to carry me to the cabin. His voice is soft when he tells me, "You have absolutely no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that. I love you, too," and then continues with concern evident in his voice, "but if we don't warm you up soon, you will catch your death." There is just one thing I need him to promise me before I can become the luckiest woman in the universe.

"Chakotay, promise me something."

"And what might that be?" he wants to know.

"You will never again leave me alone."

This makes him laugh. "Kathryn," he begins as he leans closer to me, "you will never get rid of me again."

Then he kisses me with all the passion I know he possesses. At this very moment I know he will always be there . . .

*

I can feel his heart beating loud and fast. He holds me very tight to him perhaps afraid I might change my mind, tell him I didn't mean what I said, but I can't blame him. Why should I? This all has an unreal quality to it, and I, too, have a hard time believing this is real . . . we're about to enter the relationship we both have wanted and needed all along. Sighing in joy, I press my nose into the hollow of his neck, my arms tightening around his neck, while Chakotay carries me to my cabin. In response, his cheek brushes my hair and it dampens a bit. Tears are still rolling down his face as well as my own. I only hope it doesn't take us too long to the house.

As if he read my mind, he softly whispers in my ear, "Almost there."

By the time we reach it the cold has increased and goose bumps have formed all over my skin. Despite all the heat emitting from Chakotay's body my own is shuddering uncontrollably. He opens the old, wooden door and I push it close with my foot the minute we are over the threshold. Stopping in front of the sofa, he puts me down on it and goes searching for blankets. The sudden loss of physical contact is unsettling, but as I decide to go after him, in spite of my weakened condition, Chakotay is already back with two cuddly looking blankets in hand. I realize in an instant I didn't even know I had those, because I haven't really paid attention to my surroundings the last weeks.

He gently puts the blankets around my shivering body, tucking the ends under me to keep my body heat from escaping; all the while I watch his every move intensively. That doesn't go unnoticed. Kneeling in front of me, both his hands on my knees, he tells me that he is only going to get some logs for the fireplace.

"I'll be right back," he assures me, smiling. He knows me so well.

He leaves me alone with my thoughts and I find myself once more wondering what I did to deserve this wonderful man. All the time I've hurt him, pushed him away yet he loves me. I decide here and now that has to stop, the last few month have proven to me I cannot live without him anymore.

Chakotay interrupts my thoughts. His arms are loaded with so many logs I'm not able to see his face and I wonder how he maintains a straight course towards the fireplace without stumbling over his own feet. After he lit the fireplace Chakotay turns around and catches me grinning. I don't ever try to hide it. Slowly, he makes his way to the couch, slumping onto it and quickly snapping one of the blankets out of my not so tight grasp.

"Chakotay," I warn, waggling my index finger at him, "I'm cold!"

He moves closer and puts his arms around me. Feeling his warmth, I snuggle still closer, rearranging both blankets so we are covered completely. I'm warmed in no time, my head resting on his shoulder, his hands stroking the length of my arm up and down. We sit in silence for long minutes, just seeking comfort from the other. It is getting dark and I watch the firelight dancing across his features.

I know I'm starring, but I just can't pull my gaze away from his face. His bronze skin glowing in the light, the dark lines of his tattoo, his eyes . . . those wonderful shining eyes, almost black in the low illumination yet blazing with the reflection of the flames. I study him further and recognize his relaxed body. I've never seen him so relaxed . . . so at peace with himself. It makes me smile, because I know I've given him that. The first time I've ever given him something in return for his kindness, selflessness.

I take his left hand into both of mine, massaging it, watching the contrast of my pale skin against his dark colored one. I can feel his gaze upon me so I turn to his smiling face and all I can do is putting my arms around his neck and pulling his mouth down to mine. The kiss is just all it should be. Tender. Gentle. Passionate. Chakotay doesn't resist the invention as I slightly open my lips, our tongues darting out to meet midway. His hands make their way into my hair gently pulling through and then stroking the length of it.

I cannot begin to describe what I feel. Warmth. Cold. Butterflies in my stomach. It feels like floating I'm unaware of my surroundings except his mouth and tongue, doing amazing things to my senses, although there is so much more to that feeling. But all good things have to end and we draw apart reluctantly, gasping for air. I wait until our breathing slows down before I asked him what has occupied me the last weeks.

"Chakotay, where have you been?"

Never stopping the gently caress of my face, he answers almost inaudibly, "I've been on Dorvan, that is, what's left of it . . . I've just needed to get away from you."

As I gaze deep into his dark eyes, he lets me see all the pain I've put him through. It brings tears to my eyes.

"I've ever imagined when we are back we would form the relationship that couldn't be on Voyager, but at the celebration you seemed so distant and I thought you wouldn't want it . . . want me. I've figured the best way to accept that would be to have some time to myself."

"I'm so sorry Chakotay. I wanted to speak to you, but . . . but I realized in an instant what had bothered me for month then; I wasn't able to determine, if you still loved me. The whole evening I've been watching you, searching for any signs but seeing none . . . I guess I jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry."

He rests his forehead against mine, breathing deeply. I think I know what's going through his mind; a misunderstanding has almost destroyed our future. But for once fate is on our side; otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here together.

"Why have you come back?"

I pull slightly back to be able to look him in the eye, when he answers.

"Actually, my spirit guide helped me understand . . . ," he pauses, taking my tiny hands in his large ones, "and yours."

"My spirit guide?" I ask surprised. "How do you know it was mine?"

"Because I've seen it before. I can't explain it, I just knew it was yours."

"What did he say?"

"It wasn't for what he said but for his actions. Your spirit guide reflects your moods. I've seen it angry when we had an argument, I've seen it depressed after your message from Mark, but this time . . . this time it lay unmoving rolled into a fetal position. My guide pointed out that you were dying inside, because of me."

Loud sobs are escaping my throat and I feel my body shaking badly. Chakotay noticing that too, draws me closer to him. His hands are stroking my back; his fingers are drawing invisible but soothing patterns along my back.

"That's exactly how I felt then," I whisper against his now wet chest.

"Shhh, it's all right. Everything is fine now. We're together, that's all what matters."

"Chakotay, I love you."

"I love you, too."

*

I wake up slowly but I am no longer on the sofa but in bed. It seems he has carried me here, after I've fallen asleep. His left arm is circling my waist, my back is pressed against his chest and I can hear his steady heartbeat. I snuggle closer to his warmth, my last thought before sleep engulfs me once more is that Chakotay had been right, we're together that's all what matters.

THE END

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