A Barrier Crossed

On nights like this, when the ship is quiet and still, I fall prey to doubt. We have faced so many obstacles, yet we have always managed to come through. It makes me wonder when our luck will run out. Will we go down in a blaze? Will we surrender? Will we settle for compromise?

Will we come through yet again?

There is no easy answer, and I know it. Still, I wonder.

And wander. I let the vibrant energy of this ship soothe my troubled mind. Literally. The low hum of Voyager's engines is tranquilizing, easy to concentrate on, and makes it easier still to dull my thoughts. A distraction, and a welcome one at that.

When all coherent thought is blocked and all that is left is feeling, I can be free. Free of restraint, free to be me.

I am deluding myself, of course, but I do not care. Without these moments of subjective freedom, however brief, doubt would eat at me, devour me. Swallow me whole.

Though maybe I am mistaking doubt for self-pity. Or maybe I am still thinking too much. Or maybe, just maybe, I should head off to bed.

Talk about delusion. My empty bed will do nothing for my peace of mind, much less for sleep to find me. All I seem to do lately is wait for something, but I am not sure for what. It is nothing palpable, just a nagging feeling that keeps me up at night.

Like tonight.

Like every night since the dynamics of our relationship changed. Whether for the better or the worse, I cannot say. Truth be told, I cannot even grasp what, exactly, has changed. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps everything.

I shake my head; this is pathetic. Why not simply take a chance and find out? Let myself fall and see if you catch me?

*

On nights like this, when the ship is quiet and still, I know you are out there. Strolling. Winding down. Letting yourself be free of your daily burden. I have seen you do it countless times, but not once have I made my presence known. Instead, I have watched you secretly, like I am doing now.

This is as much a moment for you as it is for me. I can virtually pinpoint the second you let yourself go. Your eyes begin to sparkle, shining brightly despite the low illumination. The tension that has become such an integrated part of your command posture leaves your body. You are shedding your skin, peeling off layer after layer, until all that is left is the woman I have fallen in love with.

But tonight it is different. You are different. When you stop and shake your head, I wonder if you have noticed me at last. But then you walk on, and the bounce in your step - so carefree, so beautiful - makes me look on in awe. In all the years I have only seen this once, a long time ago, on a planet far, far away.

Too late I notice that you are headed in my direction. Whatever I do now - stay or leave - you will see me.

Maybe it is about time.

*

I find you earlier than I anticipated and definitely not where I thought you would be. How long have you been watching me? Why have you been watching me?

But words are not necessary, they never have been. Your eyes, warm and inviting, let me see everything I need to know. And I realize it is this - a moment of clarity, of unconcealed truth - that I have been waiting for.

*

This is it, the moment I have both longed for and dreaded at the same time. For the very first time, I give you more than a glimpse of the depth of my feelings and hope - no, pray - that you seize the moment.

Can you hear my heart beating? Can you see it bump against my ribcage?

But words are not necessary, they never have been. Your smile, radiant and blooming, tells me everything I need to know. And I realize in this moment of clarity, of unconcealed truth, that it is time.

*

The joy I feel is all consuming, blinding. It is so intense it almost scares me, but I see it reflected in your eyes, brightening them like a flash of lightning, and I feel safe. Safe to take your proffered arm and go wherever you will lead me, to cross the last barrier.

THE END

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