Butt Shot

Once upon a time lived a Captain aboard a starship which was a darned long journey away from home. Most days this really pissed her. And we mean really. Especially those days she didn't have too much coffee. Note that in the eyes of one Captain there is no such thing as too much coffee.

Anyway, as always, this Captain was sitting on her big comfortable Captain's chair. Yes, that's the one on the centre of the bridge where all the action . . . . isn't. But the Captain was pretty sure that wasn't as it was meant to be.

Next to her sat her First Officer. And he had one nice butt. The Captain's most favourite thing to do when she was really bored - and she was almost always bored - was watching his butt. Just plain watching. Did we mention that she also liked to drool over it? Well, that's what she was doing - drooling.

The Captain, of course, had a name. Kathryn to one of her crew, namely one sexy, walking, dimpled butt - that belonged to one certain First Officer. The butt itself wasn't dimpled, of course, though the Captain wasn't sure about that one. It was the face, drooling material as well, by the way. Nice. Dimpled. Face. But the Captain soon had learned that it was more subtle to drool at his butt.

Her second favourite past time was hunting Borg. Plain and simply - playing shoot the cubes. Luckily, this wasn't her most favourite way of spending time. It would have been bad for the ship. Worse, of course, than it usually was.

B'Elanna, Voyager's chief engineer, was one magician. She really was. She had to be.

Anyway . . . .

Back to butt drooling. Now that's something we like, isn't it?

The Captain was carefully sipping her fifth mug of coffee that morning, never letting Chakotay's butt out of sight. Coffee. The holy liquid. The only thing she should never be deprived of. The crew learned that the hard way, but nevertheless it stuck. Always see to your captain's caffeine level. Keep it high and even if you want to live through the day without another countdown to self-destruction.

Those days used to be the days where the Captain played beat as many Borg cubes as possible. She practically had one young Harry Kim scan for them and one not that young Tom Paris set a direct course. Little did they know about what they had got themselves into when they first joined Voyager's crew. But they learned - yes, you know it, the hard way.

But they were all very glad they had *cute butt* being their Captain's most favourite past time . . . .

Anyway . . . . (we like that word, so what?)

There also was one omnipotent being that liked torturing - ehm courting the Captain. On that particular day he was nowhere near Voyager, actually he was in a quadrant as far away as could be. That, of course, didn't stop him from dropping by. He was omnipotent after all.

Unfortunately for the said omnipotent being, he had the guts to pop up on the bridge, in the captain's chair no less. That wouldn't have been too bad if he hadn't felt it necessary to appear lying sprawled across the seat with one Captain Kathryn Janeway on his lap. Grinning at her, Q asked, "Did you miss me, Kathy?"

Janeway might have let that go without punishment, but despite his omnipotence, Q had managed to spill her coffee. The bridge crew, except for one handsome butt, wisely moved out of striking range. The handsome butt, however, growled lowly at Q, leaping off his chair to come to Janeway's rescue. Yet the Captain was perfectly capable of handling the situation herself, which she proved by decking Q. Of course, in her rage she failed to notice that by sending Q tumbling to the floor she would join him, as she was still sitting across his lap.

"You alright, Kath-ryn," one concerned handsome butt asked. He had a very special way of calling her by her first name. His pronunciation was unique - not that anyone else aboard was allowed to call her Kathryn. He caressed her name as if it was something very special, as if she were a precious gem. Well, maybe it was just some native American gone space kinda thing. Who cared anyway . . . .

"Yes, fine, Cha-ko-tay," Kathryn growled. That was, by the way handsome butt's name. This time she said it, it sounded like an insult, usually she caressed his just as he did hers. That had been her way of punishing him for his slip. No one was to know he called her Kathryn in private. Well, now it was too late.

"Need some help getting up?" He grinned at her showing his dimples. The omnipotent being beneath her temporarily forgotten.

Kathryn took his hand and let herself being pulled up, stepping on Q's hand. "Thank you, Cha-ko-tay." She grinned. Back to caressing his name she was. No one else aboard Voyager pronounced his name quite the way she did. Maybe it was her way of expressing her feelings to him. Maybe she had been too decaffeinated the day they had met for the first time to understand the pronunciation of his name. Maybe it was the way it was pronounced correctly. Who knew? Exactly. Cha-ko-tay did. But he referred to himself asChakotay. Decaffeination, definitely . . .

"Uhm, excuse me?" Q interjected. "Get the hell off of my hand, Chuckles!"

Cha-ko-tay merely grinned down at him, dimples at full force and a wicked gleam in his eye. "Now why would I do that? I can't stand you, Q."

Extracting her hand from the handsome butt's grasp - although she immediately missed the warmth of his hand - Janeway wandered over to her chair and sat down. She had a feeling she knew what was coming, and she was definitely looking forward to it. "Cha-ko-tay, get off of his hand. There are far more satisfying ways to get back at him. Remember what has happened to Barbie Borg?"

"Care to fill him in?" Kathryn grinned at Cha-ko-tay.

"Not exactly. You know . . . You are best at telling this tale." Cha-ko-tay answered.

One suddenly very pale Harry Kim gulped as he realized whom he had missed the past few days. He hasn't seen the well chested Borg drone at all. Actually, he had missed drooling at her . . . well, chest. Silently, he sent a note to his partner in drool, as known as Voyager's doctor, who rushed to cargo bay to look for Seven of Nine, aka the chest, aka Barbie Borg.

The first thing he found of her was basically all that was left and all that ever mattered to him - yes, the chest. What he didn't know was that the rest of her was scattered around cargo bay. Kath-ryn had seen to that after the Borg had messed with her favourite butt, ehm, man. Her chest was pinned to the alcove the Borg used to regenerate in. A note was sticking to it, saying. "Gotcha."

The Doctor shrugged, notifying young Harry Kim of what he had found.

Harry gulped but instantly knew that it had been the Borg's very own fault. Anyone knew she had been really stupid.

Q looked from the ashen face that belonged to the young Ensign to the faces of Voyager's command team. His face grew darker with every passing moment he spent reading their thoughts. He didn't like what he was seeing. "Dare I ask?" was all he managed.

Chakotay cast an admiring glance at his Captain. "Suffice to say that Kath-ryn here is a master at using a laser scalpel. The precision, the straight cuts. Come to think of it, I want to try that too. Can I use Q as guinea pig?" he asked, pleading with his eyes and discharging his dimples once more.

Remembering his omnipotence, Q suddenly looked decidedly less frightened. "I'm immortal, remember? It's not like you could do any damage."

Janeway's only response was to raise one shapely brow. "You're surprisingly scatterbrained for an all-knowing being. Remember the time when my mother kneed you in the groin? You were roaring with pain, despite your immortality."

"I remember that," Chakotay said, his eyes sparkling with anticipation. "And you, Q, had better get off of this ship and fast, or else I'll castrate you. And I don't care if you claim to be immortal or omnipotent or anything else, because I'll kill you. Slowly and painfully. I'll just-"

"That's enough, Cha-ko-tay," Janeway interjected, although she was enjoying his macho side. "Look at him, he certainly got the picture."

"Hey, I only wanted to be nice to you, Kathy," Q stated defiantly. "I wanted to have a nice bath with you again . . ." he began. Shrinking away as Cha-ko-tay searched the medical emergency case for a nice laser scalpel, Q decided that this hadn't been the best thing to say.

"He bathed with you?" Cha-ko-tay demanded to know, trying for Janeway's trademarked death-glare. He might even have succeeded in doing so if it hadn't been for his soft brown eyes. They simply weren't made to death-glare anyway. Janeway gave him credit for trying, though. "You've met him only THREE times and he's already bathed with you?"

Q raises his hand, trying to get a word in edgeways. "Ahem?"

"You shut up!" Cha-ko-tay roared, and this time everyone, including Janeway herself, backed off. "The mood I'm in now I'll probably severely maim you instead of killing you. Way more satisfactory. So just shut up before I snap!" He swivelled back to face Janeway again. "And you," he growled lowly, leaning well into her personal space, "you'd well damn better have an extremely good explanation for that incident."

"Quite simple, actually," the Captain explained. "But why should I tell you," she challenged him, definitely feeling suicidal that day. Maybe it was the usual decaffeination. She hadn't had a coffee ever since Q had turned up and . . . . spilled hers . . . That reminded her why she actually was as pissed as she was.. Q. Cha-ko-tay's brown eyes always helped to distract her from the topic ahead. Not that she wanted it . . .

"Because, my dear Kath-ryn," he hissed through clenched teeth, grabbing her arm and pulling her along to the Ready Room, "you're not going to get any coffee until you tell me. Computer," he called out, "execute file 'desperation,' authorization Cha-ko-tay Maquis-Alpha-Zero-Six."

"Acknowledged," came the computer's prompt reply, while Cha-ko-tay dragged one kicking Kath-ryn Janeway to Ready Room. Just before the doors could close behind them, though, Cha-ko-tay stopped for a moment to face Q one last time. "Seize the opportunity and get lost!" With that, the doors closed behind Voyager's command team, leaving a stunned bridge crew and one pitiful omnipotent being behind.

The omnipotent being was actually too stunned to do anything but stand with his mouth gaping open. He knew he was going to regret that.

Meanwhile, in the ready room one Kath-ryn Janeway had her cute butt neatly pinned to the wall. He hadn't seen it coming.

As soon as the door had closed behind them Kathryn had made good use of her favourite laser scalpel glueing him to the wall - literally melting the wall and his clothes together.

"Now, what did you tell the computer, again? Would you care to undo that mistake of yours," she growled, her scalpel dangerously close to his lower abdomen. This would hurt. This would hurt as hell. She leaned in close, bringing the scalpel in direct contact with the clothes covering his groin area. "Want me to switch it on?" she challenged.

That maneuver of hers was admirable, well worthy of being entered in the ship's log. What she had failed to take into consideration, though, was his superior strength, increased by the adrenaline pumping through his veins due to both jealously and the prospect of being castrated. With seemingly no effort at all, and speed that wasn't normal for a man his size and weight, he wrestled the scalpel from her hands, reversing their positions until she was the one being pinned to the wall. His broad hands kept hers immobilized, holding them by the wrists above her head. Their bodies were flushed, not giving her any opportunity to kick him, or even worse yet, knee him in the groin. "You were saying?" Cha-ko-tay asked smugly.

"Coffee? Please?" Kath-ryn asked, stepping even closer until her feet were next to his. Their bodies were touching, almost no space left where they weren't. Cha-ko-tay gulped, completely frozen. Then, luckily, at least in her opinion, he remembered how to use his outer extremities as he released her arms in order to crush her to him.

Unfortunately she had awaited this moment, reversing their positions. "Coffee. Now."

"Not before you don't tell me what Q had to do in your bathtub. If anyone should be in there it's me. ME. As in moi, ich, ego, yo . . . ."

"You?" Kathryn asked, bursting out with laughter. "Why you of all people?"

Cha-ko-tay sighed loudly, dramatically. "You know what, Kath-ryn? You can't intimidate with that death-glare or yours anymore. I'm immune to it, the only thing I still feel is a faint chill. But," he added, lowering his voice, "I don't take well to being laughed at." That said, he kicked her in the hollow of the knee. Her legs gave way and she lost her balance, falling backward but taking him with her.

In the end, that wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done. Come to think of it, it was the most stupid thing she'd ever done, seeing as he was now pinning her to the floor with his weight, grinning smugly down at her.

"Now, now, Kath-ryn. Still want coffee?" He challenged, tickling her earlobe with his voice. He then realised there was no way he could resist such an opportunity as he started to nibble it.

Kath-ryn groaned, collecting all her strength to push him away.

"Yes, I still want coffee. I always want coffee. Who needs a man if one can have coffee," she said in all honesty.

Kathryn tried to wiggle away, but found herself still pinned neatly beneath him. "Oh come on, Cha-ko-tay, let me go," she looked deeply into his eyes, which was a mistake, as she soon realised. Her resolve was weakening once again. Resolve? She asked herself if she actually ever had any.

Probably not, she figured several moments later when it finally registered in her mind that he was kissing her, and she was enjoying it. Well, of course she was enjoying it, as his lips and mouth faintly tasted like coffee, her favourite blend no less. Before long, she was nibbling on his lower lip, drawing it between her teeth. Her tongue darted out to caress it, licking every drop of coffee off of it.

The experience brought Cha-ko-tay's mind dangerously close to being blown away. The things Kath-ryn could do with her tongue were amazing, to say the least. But when he tried to pull away to draw in a much needed breath, he found she wouldn't release his mouth. Oh well, he'd die a happy man at least, no need to complain.

"No way you're getting away, mister," she growled. "There's still coffee on your lip."

He should have known, he really should have. She always had some ulterior motive - namely coffee. He wondered just what he would be able to do with that knowledge now that he had finally got it. Deprive her of coffee and you might get about anything from her. Marriage didn't seem as far away now as it had yesterday, even an hour ago.

But would he really be that suicidal.

Suicidal?

Cha-ko-tay wondered idly if Q had been sane enough to flee as long as Cha-ko-tay and Kath-ryn were . . . occupied. Then his mind drifted away as Kath-ryn found yet another spot of coffee. Now he knew why he had never managed not to spill it. He liked her roaming his body . . .

THE END

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