Dead Man Floating

"You do not get to space Tuvok, Kathryn."

She bared her teeth in a grotesque parody of a smile. "Watch me."

To his credit, Chakotay didn't even flinch. Years of exposure to the less than rational side of his commanding officer had apparently made him immune. He'd probably take a moment to rejoice if said commanding officer weren't a step short of doing something drastic.

When he subtly blocked the way to the Bridge, he briefly wondered if he harbored a secret death wish. His action didn't seem those of a man of sound mind. On the other hand, if she found a way out of the Ready Room, all bets would be off. Given her mood, he just knew that whatever her busy mind came up with, it would quite possibly lead to their untimely demise. He might not die alone then, but there were at least two people on this ship whose wrath would surely follow him to the afterlife.

And that wasn't even counting his wayward Captain.

Life just wasn't fair sometimes, and apparently, neither would be death.

Sighing inwardly, Chakotay put his hands on her desk and leaned forward. "I know that look, Kathryn. I don't quite know what it says about me that I know that look and still live, but here I am. You're not going to put Tuvok out of our misery." He paused, frowning. "And I can't believe I'm depriving myself of that chance."

"You don't have to," she muttered, judging the distance to the door.

When her eyes narrowed, he took a step to his left to bring himself back into her line of vision. "Remember the number one rule of Starfleet captains?"

A maniac gleam shone in her eyes. "Always go down with the ship?"

"No." He rolled his eyes at her. "Thou shalt not killeth thy crew."

"It's more what I'd call a guideline rather than an actual rule, Commander," she said after a moment, but her lips twitched and there was a twinkle in her eyes.

"That's what I tell myself whenever Paris implements on of his madcap schemes." That elicited a full-blown grin.

"No maiming either, I take it." At the shake of his head, Kathryn's shoulders slumped in defeat. "You never let me have any fun around here anymore. I don't quite know why I keep you on as First Officer."

Chakotay came around the desk then, took hold of her shoulders, and steered her to the couch. "Because if you demoted me, Tuvok would be next in line for the job."

She stopped short at that, blinking. "Excellent point."

"I have my moments." One quick trip to the replicator later, he handed her a cup of coffee and sat down next to her.

"And your uses," Kathryn said in appreciation. Then she took another look at the PADD, her hold on which she'd never relinquished. This time her reaction wasn't quite as strong but just as heartfelt. "Tell me, why do we have to put up with this insanity?"

Chakotay tried to keep a straight face. It turned out to be rather difficult, seeing as they seemed to have the same kind of conversation on a regular basis. "It's not as bad as all that."

"It's not?" She waved the PADD in front of him, nearly smacking him in the nose with it. "Have you even read this, Chakotay?"

He plucked the PADD out of her hand before she could do real harm with it. "Is this a rhetorical question?" He couldn't quite keep the incredulous note fr*m slipping into his voice. "All these reports go through me first. Why do you think there's so little paperwork for you to deal with?"

A pause. Then, "Another excellent point."

"I rather thought so."

She sighed heavily. "Then why are we putting up with this?"

"Because, Kathryn, if we don't, we'll have a very annoyed Vulcan on our hands," he explained patiently. "One that isn't above making this a regular occurrence."

"Now you're just being paranoid. Tuvok doesn't do paybacks. It goes against Vulcan philosophy."

Chakotay snorted. "Oh, please. We've all had to adapt in the Delta Quadrant. If you think he didn't, you're deluding yourself. I'm telling you it'll be far easier for us to simply go along with his plans than to thwart them."

"He wants us to go through survival training, Chakotay."

"I know." The look she gave him spoke volumes about what she thought of his calm and accepting tone, let alone his intelligence.

"On the ship's hull, Chakotay," Kathryn said in exasperation. "In full environmental gear. Am I the only one who finds that mildly disturbing?"

Chakotay leaned back, considering that. "Since I find it greatly disturbing, yes, yes, you are."

"Very funny, Commander." Her glare was set to death.

He merely shivered. Definitely immune. "Oh, now we're back to rank. What exactly did you expect after the latest disaster, Captain?"

She tried to look innocent and failed miserably. "It was a simple security drill."

Chakotay shook his head at that, amusement shining in his eyes. "There was nothing simple about it. It could have been, but you had to go and do something drastic. Again, I might add."

"What was I to do?" Kathryn spread her hands in a gesture of helplessness. "Phaser rifles have been off-limits for weeks now."

"And thank the Spirits for that," Chakotay said easily. "These drills are devised to assess our response to a crisis. I think it's safe to say Tuvok takes exception to your continued insistence on blowing the ship to pieces. So do I, by the way."

"It's a drill, Chakotay," she said, exasperation lacing her voice. "Blowing up the ship is the easiest way to end them so that we can get back to normal ship's business." She paused at her choice of words. "Or what passes as normal for us."

"Right." Chakotay closed his eyes for just a moment, praying for patience. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"I don't know." Kathryn cocked her head, a small smile on her lips. "Why didn't you?"

He raised an eyebrow. Maybe because he was still clinging to the last shreds of his sanity. Not that he quite knew why he bothered. She had apparently let go of it a while ago. "Because it's demented even by our relaxed standards."

"What happened to 'we all needed to adapt'?"

Leave it to Kathryn to use his own words against him.

"Since you're so well adapted, why don't you find a way out of this? Preferably some that doesn't involve bloodshed as the stains are hard to get out of the carpets."

She froze and narrowed her eyes on him. "You're full of excellent points today, aren't you."

Chakotay grinned, extending his hand to her as he got up. "Come on, my Captain. Let's get this over with and maybe I'll let you accidentally disengage the magnetic system on Tuvok's environmental suit."

"Promise?" Kathryn asked, reaching for his hand.

"Cross my heart."

Her smile was beatific.

THE END

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