Found Again

Kathryn couldn't comprehend what she had just read; she just had to read over it again. It was much too confusing, much too fantastic. Much too hurting. Apparently, four months ago Voyager had had a passenger aboard, a female named Kellin. And apparently that Kellin person had fallen in love with Chakotay. This Kathryn could handle, this she could understand when she was feeling the same for quite some time now. However, it grew more fantastic. Chakotay had obviously shared these feelings for Kathryn was holding the evidence in her shaking hands. Her Chakotay, falling for another woman. Again.

Ha, my Chakotay? When has he ever been my Chakotay? Kathryn knew she had no right to use this phrase, had no right to be jealous but she felt hurt anyway. Silent tears were rolling down her face as she shifted position on the couch. Now she was kneeling on it, her arms resting on its back, and she was looking out the view port. The stars that usually had an soothing influence on Kathryn's mind wouldn't quite unfold their ability that night. Too many thoughts were keeping her from finding peace. What was most devastating was the part about Kellin and Chakotay together in his bed. Kathryn didn't know for sure if they actually had shared one bed. It wasn't written on the paper she was now clutching to her chest. But it might as well have been. The way Chakotay had expressed his feelings about them was reason enough for Kathryn's mind to do some overtime, regardless of the pain it caused.

Four hours earlier . . .

Kathryn was on her way to Chakotay's quarters. There was a report there Chakotay had forgotten to give her, and which was quite important. Unfortunately, he was needed in engineering to oversee the ongoing repairs and wasn't able to get it himself. He had apologized and given Kathryn the permission to get it on her own. As she arrived at his doors, she overrode his lock and entered his dark cabin. Ordering the computer to raise illumination, Kathryn immediately began her search for the missing PADD. When she didn't find it on his desk or coffee table she started looking through the drawers of his desk. The first was almost empty except for a deep blue shiny stone. Kathryn took the stone and looked at it more closely. It wasn't that big; it only filled half of her palm, and not that heavy. On the contrary, it was rather light. Kathryn turned the stone in her palm and discovered an Indian symbol on its backside, one that was the exact replica of Chakotay's tattoo.

Suddenly aware that she shouldn't be snooping around his belongings, Kathryn placed the stone back to where she had found it and renewed her search. The second drawer was much the same, almost empty. In the third, however, Kathryn found what she was looking for. Taking the PADD out of it, she noticed a stack of paper lying under the PADD. On it she saw Chakotay's handwriting, although she had never seen it before. Her curiosity woken, she had no clue what or why Chakotay had written down. In this century, it was quite seldom that someone used pen and paper instead of a PADD or the computer for personal logs. Against her better judgment Kathryn began to read the first page and was captured by the fantastic story. All thoughts of the report fled her mind as she read on, the story growing more fantastic and unbelievable with each word.

Grabbing the stack of paper Kathryn headed out his quarters and to her own. She desperately needed something familiar around her when she read the rest of it. She felt that she would possibly break down and rather would do it in her own quarters than Chakotay's.

Present . . .

Kathryn's mind concentrated on one single question. Why. Just one word, but it held such a complex meaning. Why couldn't she remember this incident was one, for instance. She had rummaged through the computer logs earlier, but hadn't found evidence that that Kellin person even existed. Kathryn had known that she wouldn't find one though. Chakotay's comments had been rather complete and clear. Nobody would remember Kellin because of her people's ability to make others forget about them, and because all data about her or the time she had been aboard had been destroyed by a computer virus. That was the reason why he had captured his memories of her on paper.

Kathryn fell back into the couch, drawing her knees under her chin, her head resting on her crossed arms. The tears had never stopped though and were now soaking the sleeves of her most comfortable robe. She had changed out of her uniform earlier because she had felt uncomfortable in it, even more than on other days. The sheets were lying around her small form, crumpled and wet from her tears.

Kathryn couldn't help feeling betrayed. Chakotay had loved Kellin, and would probably be still in love with her, if he were able to remember her, that is. And, what was much more hurting, Kathryn couldn't even use the knowledge against him. On the one hand, because he couldn't remember Kellin and therefore wouldn't know what she was talking about. On the other hand, because Kathryn had never allowed a relationship more than that of friends between herself and Chakotay. It would be clearly unfair to be mad at him when she had been the one, pushing him away on numerous occasions. He had just done the natural thing and had moved on, when Kathryn hadn't changed her mind about the matter. Now she wished she had. All her excuses weren't working anymore and she knew it. Her desperate need for distance to her crew had brought her nothing but pain and despair. Kathryn was sick of it. She was finally able to acknowledge that Voyager was a long way from home - and Starfleet for that matter. Protocol wasn't giving her the strength she needed when she was weak. Protocol wasn't holding her at nights. Protocol wasn't soothing her when she needed that kind of reassurance. Kathryn's mind was finally acknowledging what her heart had known all along. She loved Chakotay, needed him in her life, if she intended to finish this incredible journey sanely.

Chakotay entered his quarters and immediately noticed that something wasn't just right. The lights were still on for instance, but he was certain he had ordered the computer to turn off the lights as he had left his cabin in the morning. Then he noticed the PADD on his desk. He frowned; it was the report Kathryn had wanted earlier. Why was it still here? And why hadn't she turned off the lights? Chakotay walked to his desk and stared at it. Or closed the drawers? Realization, however, hit him a moment later when his eyes caught sight of a sheet of paper, lying under his desk; only the corner of it was visible. He picked it up, read the first lines and groaned. It was the last page of his memories of Kellin. Kathryn had obviously found them and read them, too. He himself had found them only a few weeks ago as he had cleaned his desk. At that time Chakotay had been quite confused about the contents and hadn't been able to make sense of it until he had reached the last page. Unfortunately, he was holding the last page in his hand so Kathryn couldn't have possibly read it. Chakotay needed to see and to talk to her. If she had read the document, and he knew she had, she needed to read the last page as well. Only so she would be able to understand its content fully.

"Computer, location of Captain Janeway?" Chakotay had made up his mind; he would talk to her. Now.

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters," came the cold reply.

Chakotay literally stormed out his quarters and headed directly to hers. Buzzing the door chime, he waited for the permission to enter. When none came he rang a second time with the same result. He quickly punched in his override code and entered anyway. What he saw there, despite the low illumination, broke his heart. Kathryn Janeway was sitting on her couch, the crumpled paper was lying all around her, and she was badly shuddering, and crying, too. His heart went out to her then. He couldn't stand seeing her in pain, let alone when he was causing it. Chakotay went straight to her, kneeling in front of the couch and lightly touching her shoulder. Kathryn jumped and her head turned to him, watching him silently from red puffy eyes. Chakotay was able to see the pain in them and was feeling wretched himself. He reached out to tuck a strand of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear. Kathryn shivered but remained silent, watching his actions curiously.

"Kathryn," he began to whisper, holding her eyes with his. "You should know by now that I love you and not a person nobody can remember."

Her eyes closed and opened again, bringing a new flood of tears with it, followed by a shaky intake of breath. Chakotay gently brushed them away.

"But . . . I read . . ." Kathryn began in a hoarse voice.

"Yes, I know." His gaze dropped for a moment. When he looked up to her again, the pure helpless love he was feeling for her was in his eyes. "But you haven't read it all."

Chakotay took out the last page and began to read the last few lines of it. "And so I know that I will remember Kellin always, but not as the woman I love. My heart belongs to someone else. Someone who I see everyday and who lights up my life every day. Someone who makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Someone whose smile makes me fly for weeks. Someone who is driving me insane with wanting her. Someone with the most wonderful blue eyes I've ever seen. Someone who will be mine someday . . . I hope." As he finished, tears were shining in his eyes, too. One tear broke free and rolled down his cheek.

Kathryn gently brushed it away, the same way he had done moments before. She then cupped his face, a small smile gracing her lips. "I've never heard someone say something so beautiful about me. I'm yours, if you still want me."

Chakotay thought he would burst with joy, hearing those words from her. He drew her close, burying his face in her neck, and never wanted to let go of her. "Of course, I do. I love you."

"I love you, too."

An eternity seemed to have passed as they finally let go of each other. The tears had already dried as they sat on the couch. They appeared a bit shy, didn't know what to do now. Although both had the same thing on their minds. Kathryn was the one to take the initiative, as her eyes focused on Chakotay's slightly parted lips and she leaned closer. He met her halfway. Their first kiss was like every first kiss should be. Soft, tender, unhurried. They slowly explored the other with their lips and tongues, taking their time to find out what the other liked. When they finally parted, their chests were heaving from the lack of oxygen. Suddenly, Chakotay scooped Kathryn up in his arms and stood.

"Where are we going?" she asked, laughing.

"The bedroom," he replied matter-of-factly.

"Really . . ." she said, offering no resistance.

THE END

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