Hard Times

They had a very good time. Everything was perfect. There were lots of plants and anomalies to analyze, engines ran smoothly, crew morale was high, they had enough food for month - and no leola root.

For six weeks nothing bad happened. Kathryn Janeway sat in her ready room reading reports, a half emptied cup of coffee in front of her.

And a smile lit up her face, while she was thinking about the coming evening.

She and Chakotay had planned to spent some time on the holodeck together. He had said, she would like it. That was it. Nothing more.

Any questioning about the program had been useless. He hadn't given away anything else. A now she was wondering what the program involved.

You will like it . . . You will like it. The thought kept circling her mind.

'I certainly hope so,' she thought.

The door chime brought her back to reality.

"Come in, Chakotay," she called.

Voyager's first officer entered the ready room with a silly grin on his face, and slowly made his way to his captain, never breaking eye contact. He learnt a long time ago, she instinctually knew, when he is the one ringing the door belt.

"Stop it," Kathryn said laughing.

"Stop what?" he asked innocently.

"Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You're always grinning like an idiot when you want to kiss me. You're so predictable."

"Well, if you're not in the mood . . ." he began, stopping his approach midway.

"Who said anything about not being in the mood?" she countered, standing up and walking towards him. "I've just said, I know what you're planning to do. I've never said, I don't like it."

With that she gently kissed him on the mouth. Their kiss went on and on. It changed from gentle at the beginning to very, very passionate, until both their lungs called for air. After they had broken apart, she lay her head against his shoulder, while his arms went around her waist. The next minutes were spent in comfortable silence.

Kathryn was the first to break it, "Is there another reason you're in here?"

"Nope," came the reply.

"Oh, you're so evil, but I like it anyway," she told him, holding Chakotay a bit tighter to her body.

Kathryn would have stayed in his arms forever, but unfortunately both had work to do. While she gave Chakotay another kiss, Tuvok called her.

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Janeway here. Go ahead."

"You and the Commander are needed at the bridge. A ship is heading towards us at warp 8."

"We're on our way." When the link was cut, Chakotay snorted.

"How does he always know when to do that?"

Kathryn shook her head, while softly laughing, "Come on, let's go."

"Yes, ma'am."

*

"Report," Janeway called, heading straight to the command chair.

"The ship is still heading towards us. Their shields are up and weapons are powered," Tuvok reported.

"Hail them," she ordered.

"No response."

"They are now in weapon range," Tuvok stated.

Then hell broke loose aboard Voyager. They were hit by a wave of phaser fire. Light went out, consoles exploded and the crew was thrown around the room. Absolute chaos from one second to the other.

"Tuvok, shields up and return fire!" Janeway barked. The first shot blew the other ship into tiny pieces, floating silently in space.

"Curious," Tuvok commented, "that was unexpected."

"I agree," Janeway replied, "it was far too easy. Commander, your opinion?"

When there was no response, she turned to see what the matter was.

The sight, which greeted her, would hunt her for the rest of her life. Chakotay lay unmoving on the bridge floor, a pool of blood forming under his head. While the ship was under attack, he was thrown hard into railing.

"Emergency transport of Commander Chakotay to sickbay," Janeway ordered, her Starfleet training kicking in, and Chakotay shimmered out of existence.

Her voice sounded calmer than she thought it would. Kathryn wanted to go directly to sickbay, seeing how he was, but couldn't afford to do so. Therefore she sent a silent prayer to whatever entity would hear her.

*

Kathryn Janeway almost ran along the corridors of Voyager. They seemed to be out of danger, so she took the first best opportunity to visit Chakotay. But she had a bad feeling, no message from the doctor yet. In her hurry she nearly bumped into B'Elanna, who on the way to sickbay, too.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't see you coming," B'Elanna began apologizing.

"It's ok. I'm just in a hurry," Kathryn told her.

"You're on your way to Chakotay," B'Elanna stated matter of factly.

It wasn't a big secret, that the commanding officers were lovers, even though they had tried to keep it to themselves.

"Do you have any news, B'Elanna?"

"Not any more than you, I guess. I was heading to sickbay." Both resumed their way, now going together. Silence engulfed them, because both were lost their own thoughts. Kathryn had to control the shiver, which the thoughts of Chakotay sent down her spine. What if he don't make it? How will she get her crew home then? He has always been her strength. The doors to sickbay opened, but nobody was to be seen.

"Doctor," Kathryn asked.

At that moment Paris came around the corner, which separated the operating room from the rest of sickbay. One look at his face and Kathryn's and B'Elanna's face paled visibly. Paris' expression was one of complete sadness.

"How is he?" Kathryn demanded to know, her voice cracking with emotions.

"Um . . . ," Paris began, "he . . ." then he stopped.

"Come on, Tom," B'Elanna urged him forward, "we need to know."

"Well, the Commander suffered great neural injuries from his fall. The Doctor is still performing surgery on him. When the Doc is finished, Chakotay will be in coma. Doc can't tell, if he will ever wake up," Paris informed both.

That was too much for Kathryn and she lost balance, but was caught by B'Elanna and Tom. They helped her to the nearest chair and sat her down.

"Captain? Captain? How are you?" they asked in unison, concern evident in both their voices.

But Kathryn only looked at them, not speaking a word.

"Tom, I will bring the Captain to her quarters. Notify me immediately, when the Doctor is finished," B'Elanna made him promise to her.

*

B'Elanna didn't feel especially good herself, but suppressed her own grief to support Kathryn.

During the entire trip to the captain's quarters Kathryn remained completely silent. After they had arrived, B'Elanna helped Kathryn towards the couch and went to the replicator, ordering a cup of herbal tea. She hoped it would help Kathryn calm down. Kathryn accepted the cup from B'Elanna and trunk nearly the entire tea at once, but she still didn't say a word.

"Captain, say something," B'Elanna began. When Kathryn remained unresponsive she took the cup out of Kathryn's hands and shook her softly.

Slowly Kathryn turned to face her, "B'Elanna, . . . I . . . I . . . ," she sobbed, unable to say more.

"Shhh, it's all right. Everything will be fine," B'Elanna told Kathryn, hugging her.

Then Paris contacted them, sounding anything but happy.

"Captain, B'Elanna. Doc has finished surgery. The prognosis isn't good. I'm sorry, Chakotay is in coma," he told them.

Part Two

"B'Elanna? Captain?" Tom asked. He couldn't hear a damn thing from the other side of the comlink. That wasn't unexpected; he had been certain it would be a shock for both of them to hear of Chakotay's condition, but he was starting to get concerned.

"B'Elanna, please respond," he begged.

"We're still here . . . May we visit him?"

"You may," Tom replied, hoping there would be something he could do.

But now everything depended on Chakotay himself. The Doctor had done everything he could to save his life, all they could do was hope.

*

B'Elanna was nearly out the door, but Kathryn sat unmoving on the couch. This was far too much for her. She felt as if she was reliving her father's death. Of course, the circumstances had been different then; Chakotay wasn't dead yet, but the reality was that he could die any time in his present condition. So the situation wasn't exactly the same, but the pain she felt was. Nevertheless she needed to see him, even if he was in coma, unresponsive.

"Wait a minute, B'Elanna," Kathryn called after her. "Thank you."

"There is nothing to thank me for," B'Elanna answered, "I count you as one of my friends, and even if I didn't, I would help where I could. This is nothing anybody should go through alone."

"Thank you," Kathryn repeated, standing and slowly moving towards B'Elanna. Yes, she desperately wanted to see Chakotay, but she also dreaded the visit at the same time. Such situations were reasons why she shouldn't have become involved with one of her crew. She had known all along she could never trust herself, if something like this happened.

*

In Sickbay, Voyager's first officer lay on a bio-bed, looking very peaceful. You'd have thought he was only sleeping, if is wasn't for the sound of the life support system. The Doctor sat in his office, reading reports and monitoring Chakotay for any changes in his condition. As the doors to Sickbay opened, he stood up and went to greet the captain.

"How is he, Doctor?" was the first question she asked when she entered.

"I'm sorry, Captain, no changes so far. If he doesn't wake up within the next three days, chances are that he won't after that, either," the doctor told her, looking somewhat exhausted, that is, if that's possible for a hologram.

"Thank you. I will stay in sickbay, if that's okay."

"Of course," the doctor replied, not knowing yet, what he'd gotten himself into.

*

The next three days Kathryn Janeway spent all night and most of her shifts in sickbay, hoping that Chakotay would wake up the very next minute. The Doctor was getting more annoyed with each day. It was not that he didn't understand why she wanted to be with Chakotay, even he knew about their relationship. But during those days, she hadn't eaten or slept very much. He decided that he would relieve her of duty, if she didn't do that soon.

"Captain, I would suggest you eat something and try to sleep at least eight hours," he began, "I will notify y -"

"No."

"Captain, you must eat, you aren't good for anybody in your present condition."

"No. Now leave me alone."

"Then I have to relieve you of duty."

"Don't you dare," Kathryn said, now turning towards him, "I'm completely capable of commanding this ship."

"You don't leave me a choice. I hereby officially relieve you of your command."

He could tell by the look on her face that she was about to call Tuvok for help.

"Tuvok will be of no assistance, because I've already informed him and he had no objections," and then he added, "I'm really sorry, Captain, but this can't go on forever. I will notify you of any changes in the Commander's condition, immediately." He waited for some outburst. Anything. But she remained silent. And even though he was just a hologram, he could understand that this was getting to her. She had to feel completely alone now, since she couldn't even expect help of Tuvok.

"Fine," she said finally, while she stood slowly and took one last glance at Chakotay, mouthing the words, "I love you. I always will."

Then without another word, she turned and headed out the door, directly to her quarters.

*

"I can't believe they did that!" B'Elanna yelled at the poor pilot Tom Paris, who brought her the news about the captain. Tom had already learned it wasn't smart to interrupt her, when she was in one of her Klingon moods.

"What idiots!" she continued, "Don't they even have the slightest idea how hard this is for her?! I mean, if this had happened to you and they had had the cheek to tell me to go to my quarters and sleep, I know I would have had a nice time deleting the Doctor's program and beating Tuvok into a bloody pulp on the floor . . ."

"Are you finished?" Tom asked, somewhat annoyed, but also touched by her speech. "I can see your point," he said, not impressed by her icy glare, "but don't you think we should try to help the captain instead of yelling at each other?"

*

Back in her quarters, Kathryn sank to the floor the minute the door closed behind her. She felt everything crushing upon her shoulders now. 'How dare they relieve me of command? How dare they send me back here, when Chakotay is lying in sickbay?!' she thought, anger flashing through her. Of course this whole mess was getting to her! But she hadn't fallen apart, she could still command this vessel.

And Tuvok?! What did he think he was doing, agreeing to the Doctor's decision? To calm herself, she took long, deep breaths, while she lay on her back.

'Inhale . . . Exhale . . . ' she told herself for several long minutes, before exhaustion finally swept over her. She fell into a restless sleep, during which she dreamed of the beginning of her relationship with Chakotay.

It was her birthday and she felt, like many times recently, very lonely. During those times, she always wondered why was she so desperately clinging to protocol instead of giving into her need of loving someone and to be loved by someone.

'No, not someone,' she thought, 'Chakotay.' The thoughts of Chakotay reminded her of the fact that she hadn't seen him all day. That upset her a bit, normally he was the first to congratulate her. It hadn't even been a particular hard day in the Delta Quadrant.

'So, does that mean he had forgotten it?' she wondered, when her door chimed.

"Come," Kathryn called, rather harshly.

Into her quarters stepped the one person she had wanted to see the entire day, but she now was somewhat angry with. Chakotay could tell after one look, that she wasn't in a particularly good mood. She was standing with her hands on her hips, her chin high, and was giving him a challenging glare.

"What can I do for you, Commander?" she asked in a voice that confirmed his guess. She was angry. But what was worse, she was angry at him.

'Oh my, what do I do now?' he wondered, but loud he said, "Well, I've come to wish you a happy birthday and give you this." He handed her her gift and hoped it would help to improve her mood. If not, then he would be a dead man, he guessed.

She took the gift out of his hand and felt some of her anger vanishing. Then she carefully opened the box and her head shot up.

She looked at him, then back at her present. Inside lay a deep blue, velvet dress upon which lay a single deep red rose and a note. She was absolutely speechless.

"I . . . It's . . . It's beautiful," she said, taking the dress out of the box, "thank you."

Chakotay was relieved, because he thought she wouldn't approve. He went straight to her and took her in an embrace, which she equally returned.

"Happy Birthday."

Then he backed away a bit, because she hadn't read the note yet. Hopefully it wouldn't ruin this day.

Kathryn moved to carefully put the dress aside, then she opened the envelope and took the note. It read:

I'll be your cloud up in the sky

I'll be your shoulder when you cry

I hear your voices when you call me

And when all hope is gone, I'm here

No matter how far you are, I'm near

It makes no difference who you are

I am your Angel

All my love, Chakotay

Chakotay stood, very tense. He still didn't know what she was going to say, but she was visibly moved, tears rolling down her face.

Nevertheless, he couldn't tell if that was a good or a bad sign.

Ever so slowly, Kathryn turned to face Chakotay, who looked very nervous. The minute she looked him in the eye, she was able to see his turmoil but also his love and devotion shining in them. The only thing she had to do was take the opportunity.

'Why should I deny myself what I truly want? I am lonely. I am in love with this incredible man. To hell with protocol!' Kathryn was sick of pushing him away and making herself miserable in the process.

She allowed her tears to fall freely, as she looked into his eyes.

Chakotay let out the breath he had been holding since she had begun to read his note. Her eyes told him all of her love for him. Finally his dream could become his reality. Their reality. Slowly, he leaned in to kiss her, but then stopped unsure, wondering if he had read her wrong. Kathryn, sensing his need for reassurance, smiled and closed the remaining distance between them, to finish what he had begun . . .

The door chime brought Kathryn out of her dream and she realized where she was and why she was there. She absolutely had no desire for company except Chakotay. 'Well, better not go there,' she thought, but it was too late. Tears began to slide down her face, as she slowly stood up. She hurt everywhere, not only in her heart, but physical as well. She wasn't used to spending long hours in an uncomfortable position on an even more uncomfortable floor. There the door chime again.

"Go away," she called, desperately hoping the person outside would do so. It wasn't important who wanted to see her, she just wanted to be left alone.

*

B'Elanna stood outside Kathryn's quarters, trying not to loose her temper. It had been nearly a week since Chakotay's accident, and nobody had seen the Captain since she had been relieved of command.

She pushed the door chime again.

"Go away," Kathryn yelled from inside.

After long minutes of debating with herself, B'Elanna gave in.

'Fine, Captain, but this won't be the last time I try,' B'Elanna silently promised Kathryn, then headed back to Paris.

*

"What did she say?" Tom wanted to know, the minute B'Elanna stepped inside his quarters.

"You mean except 'Go away'?" she replied.

"Great. Chakotay is in coma, the captain is depressed, and Tuvok is as cold as ever."

"What did he say?" B'Elanna demanded to know.

"We were able to find out who attacked us. They honestly regret what has happened and hope the Commander will recover from his injuries," Paris told her in his best Tuvok imitation.

*

Kathryn had another dream. She dreamed that Chakotay was with her, whispering sweet nothings in her ears, and taking her in his arms . . .

Except it wasn't a dream.

She sat bolt upright, her eyes growing wide, her heart beginning to beat faster, and she spun around in his arms to face him. Tears sprang to her eyes at the sight of him. 'I'm definitely not dreaming,' she decided, as he smiled at her, crying himself.

Some time during the last hour, Chakotay had found himself on a bio-bed in sickbay, not knowing what he was doing there. As he found out about the decision to relieve Kathryn of her command, he had become pretty angry. Everything he wanted to do at that time involved going to her, but unfortunately, he was stopped by the Doctor, who wouldn't let him go before he could check him through.

Doc was stunned to say the least. He'd thought Chakotay wouldn't make it. By the time he finished his checkup, Chakotay was very fidgety, and out the door before he could object.

"Why . . . When . . . How . . ." she began, but was unable to continue. Instead she reached for him, pressed her head under his chin.

Chakotay simply held her, unable to speak himself, while great sobs racked her body. He could only guess what she'd gone through, but he knew how he would have reacted. So he assumed it was an experience she would rather never have again. Together, they cried for a long time, taking comfort in each other, hoping nothing would separate them ever again.

Slowly, Chakotay leaned back a bit, but only to look her in her eyes and wipe away her tears, while Kathryn smiled, glad to have him back in her life.

"I love you," both said in unison, then they closed the remaining distance between them for the gentlest of all kisses . . .

Epilogue

"Come," Kathryn called, as her door chimed.

Chakotay stepped inside, but was unable to see her. That wasn't surprising, Kathryn was still in her bathroom, taking one last glance at herself in the mirror. As she stepped outside one could hear Chakotay exhale.

"Wow, you look beautiful," was all he could get past the lump in his throat, which her dress had caused.

Kathryn wore that wonderful deep blue, velvet, floor length dress, he'd given her on her last birthday. He'd always loved that dress, because it matched her blue eyes nicely, and together with her long, auburn hair hanging open over her shoulders, she looked absolutely breathtaking.

"So do you," she said, blushing a bit. She still wasn't used to compliments, even after being together for a year.

Chakotay himself looked very handsome in her opinion, wearing black pants, a white, tight shirt, and a black jacket.

"Well, are you ready?" he asked.

"Whenever you want," she replied.

He offered her his arms, she took it, and they stepped outside together, heading towards the holodeck. Before the accident had happened, they had planned to spend some time together on the holodeck, and were finally getting that chance. Kathryn still had no clue what this program of his involved, but was eager to find out.

Nearly ten weeks had gone by since Chakotay had been in coma and now that everything was back to normal, Kathryn and Chakotay were as happy as they could be.

"Chakotay, would you please tell me, what we're about to do?"

"We're going to the holodeck," he answered, still giving nothing away. That was definitely the wrong answer, so therefore he was punched in the ribs. While he gingerly rubbed them, he said, "I'll get you for this."

"Empty promises," Kathryn told him, laughing. Continuing down the corridor, they were greeted by passing crew members before they reached the turbo lift.

"Empty promises? We'll see," Chakotay stated once they were inside.

They reached the holodeck, and where engulfed by darkness when they entered. Kathryn was about to ask Chakotay what was going on, when the lights went on, and she was greeted by her entire senior staff.

They'd arranged a birthday party for their Captain, but Kathryn wasn't the slightest bit surprised. She soon had figured it out, while talking with Neelix. Not that the little Talaxian actually spilled the news, but by the way he was avoiding certain subjects, she suspected something like this. And her foreboding was confirmed, as she accidentally overheard a conversation between her Chief Engineer and her Conn Officer.

One after another, they wished her a happy birthday, and gave her a present. It was a wonderful evening for Kathryn, and she danced with about every single male senior officer, especially, how could it be otherwise, with Chakotay. The program was a replica of an ancient 20th century ballroom with an orchestra, lots of seats, and a large dance floor.

Both commanding officers were dancing closely together; Kathryn's head was on Chakotay's shoulder while his arms were around her waist to keep her near. She wasn't exactly planning on going anywhere as she asked him, "This is the program you wouldn't tell me about?"

"No."

She was surprised to say the least.

"No? Did you just say no?"

"Yes," he replied, knowing very well he'd confused her. He guessed she would find out about her birthday party and intentionally led her to the conclusion this is what he'd planned for her. Since he'd never given her a reason to believe otherwise, he'd gotten the time to modify his original program.

"I'll show you, when the party is over. Think you can wait that long?" He smiled down at her showing his dimples, which he knew she loved so much.

"Do I have a choice?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"No," he told her, confirming Kathryn's suspicion.

*

It was late, and as the party had come to an end, Kathryn said good bye to the last of her crew. She was radiant with joy. This was one birthday she would remember for her entire life. Well, together with her last one, of course.

The holodeck was empty by now, and she turned to Chakotay to see what would come next. She was almost dying of curiosity, because he had been teasing her the entire evening with that damn program of his.

Chakotay could tell by the challenging glare she gave that teasing her a bit more wouldn't be a healthy thing to do, so he ordered the computer to run program Chakotay Alpha Two.

At once, the scene changed, and Kathryn found herself facing the sight of New Earth. Kathryn turned full circle to watch the beautiful landscape, which she'd found herself missing sometimes.

The memories of Chakotay's angry warrior speech came back to her, and she faced him only to see he was thinking along the same lines.

Then she once again watched the replica of their former home, this time taking notice of little differences. Her garden, for example, was larger than she remembered and the tomatoes she once left, were grown and had ripened. As she went inside their shelter she found changes there, too. The wall, which had formally separated their sleeping areas was gone and instead two tiny beds there was a big one, looking terribly comfortable.

As she was about to go back to Chakotay, she heard his approach from behind. She turned, tears gathering in her eyes, once again taking in her surroundings.

"This is beautiful," she whispered.

"So are you," he responded, very nervous of what was to come next.

Chakotay took her tiny hands in his big ones, squeezing them as if to draw strength from her. Then he started.

"Kathryn, you've given me peace, when I've needed it so badly. You've given me love, without which I can't live anymore. You're the light, scaring darkness away," he paused, "Will you always be my light?" He then released her hands, kneeled before her and asked with a voice cracking full of emotions, "Will you marry me?"

Kathryn's face changed from initial shock to pure delight. After his second sentence she'd been certain what was to come next, and what her answer was going to be. Slowly she slipped into his arms, never breaking eye contact, while doing so. Speaking very slowly, stressing every word for him, she watched his face brighten up, as she answered his question.

"Yes, I will marry you."

Chakotay closed the remaining distance between them in no time. His lips were covering her entire face at once, or so it seemed, before they found their destination.

Now she was certain, she would never forget this birthday . . .

THE END

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