Have A Heart

Lying' in bed alone
Thinkin' 'bout how much I need you
Oh, give me one more chance to see you again

Turning and tossing in bed, Chakotay was simply unable to get any sleep. Images of the previous night, memories he thought he would always remember with a smile, were haunting him now. If he had known it to be so difficult to let her go after one night, it would have never happened in the first place.

But Kathryn was not to blame.

Certainly, it had been her idea, but Chakotay had not been forced to accept. In fact, he remembered her being very reluctant to voice her idea. The attraction that had been present between them right from the start had come to a point where both had thought they would burst any second. Neither of them had been able to properly concentrate on things at hand any more.

To Chakotay those difficulties had not been new. Having loved Kathryn for years, he had often been near the point of going insane with wanting her. Usually, he had found a way to have a firm hold on himself, aware that he would embarrass Kathryn if he became demanding. Besides, Chakotay was a gentle man who showed consideration for the feelings of others, especially for the feelings of the woman he loved. Not once would he have considered asking her for one night of making love, although the thought had entered his mind once or twice. He had thought he knew her well and had pushed that thought aside at once.

So Chakotay had been all the more perplexed when Kathryn had shown up, asking for that one night he had thought he could be content with. She had been all nervous when she had asked it because she knew of his feelings for her. Kathryn had not been indifferent to his feelings and had told him so. But she had also stated the obvious, reasoning the almost unbearable situation needed a solution. Nevertheless, a blush had crept up her cheek, and she had begun to talk faster the more she had said. In the end, she had even apologized for voicing such an unacceptable request, as she put it, and had prepared to leave his quarters at warp speed.

A small smile was tugging at Chakotay's lips as he remembered that particular part. Kathryn had been so embarrassed for she had mistaken his silence for the calm before the storm. Chakotay on the other hand had just been too speechless to say anything. He had felt like she had read his mind, voicing his innermost fantasies and thus it had taken him quite some time to find his voice. But he managed just in time - although he now wished he had not done it.

Chakotay had kept her from leaving his quarters by catching her wrists in his broad hands, making sure that his hold on her was gentle. The contact, as innocent as it was, had sent shooting spikes of desire straight through their bodies. Both had felt it, but Kathryn had chose not to acknowledge it by not looking him in the eye, although she had not tried to take her hands away either. Chakotay then had let go of one of her wrists and put two fingers under her chin. Gently, he had lifted it up, so she was forced to make eye contact with him.

"Chakotay . . ." she had begun tentatively. "It can't be more than one night. It was wrong of me to ask it of you at all."

"Do you hear me complaining?" had been his soft reply. "Don't you think that I know it can be just one night? And I'm willing to take you up on your offer anyway. Question is, are you sure about this? Do you really want it?"

By a way of response, Kathryn had freed her other hand to put it around his neck, gently pulling his head down for a kiss so tender that the world around them had threatened to disappear. "Does this answer your question?" she had whispered after they had broken apart, smiling up at him.

It had been answer enough for him indeed, so his head had dipped down to steal another kiss from her soft lips . . .

If only I would've known
It was the last time I'd be with you
I would've held on and never let you go

Kathryn had turned out to be an imaginative and passionate lover. It had been a night of taking and giving, so beautiful and worth waiting for. Both had taken their own sweet time to discover the other's body by means of touching, caressing, and kissing. Suddenly, their own needs had not been important anymore; the pleasure of the other had become priority . . .

In the morning, Chakotay had woken to the knowledge that Kathryn had already left him. Subconsciously, his hand had wandered to that side of his bed where Kathryn had been lying just a few hours back. It had been cold, an indication that she must have left shortly after he had fallen asleep. Both had agreed that it would be better that way, but still it had made him incredibly sad to wake up without her next to him.

Only now, as he was lying in bed alone, he realized what they had done and how much it was tearing him apart. When Kathryn had come to him that fateful evening, making clear it really could be just one single night, Chakotay had been so certain that it would be enough, that he would be able to live with that knowledge. But fact was that he had never believed it to be so hard to live without her, now that he had gotten a taste of what a relationship with Kathryn would be like. His body was screaming for her gentle touch, but more importantly, his heart was screaming for her.

Unfortunately, Chakotay was in no position to change the situation. If they were ever to have a romantic relationship it would be Kathryn who had to make the first move, now more than ever. He had promised one night would be enough, and, although it would slowly kill him, he intended to live up to that promise. Making her uncomfortable or pushing her was beneath Chakotay, he just wanted her to be happy. And when Kathryn was happy with the situation as it now was he would find a way to accept it.

Here comes another day
I don't know if I can make it
Oh, I just realized it is so lonely being free

Throughout the next day Chakotay did not even try to stay out of her way. If he tried it would certainly arouse Kathryn's suspicion, and that was the worst-case scenario he could imagine. Either she would quickly realize why he was behaving that way or she would ask questions he was reluctant to answer.

Chakotay thought it to be a wonder that their working relationship had not changed much. Certainly, every time they were alone, may it be in her ready room or his office, both felt a little awkward, but they quickly overcame it by concentrating on tasks at hand. Not once they mentioned their shared night.

After such a meeting Chakotay always felt drained. It cost him a lot of his energy to hold up the mask of the content man he did not feel like. No, he did not feel like that at all, but we would continue to play his role for Kathryn's benefit. Besides, there was not much else he could do, was there?

The one thing that bothered him, however, was that Kathryn did not seem to be affected by their night together, at least not in the way he was. That did not mean that he wanted her to feel miserable. No, certainly not. The indifference she was displaying all day bothered him. If only he would know whether it was real or just an act she played . . .

Runnin' from the pain
I'm never gonna shake it
Oh, how I need you to take it from me

During the next few weeks Chakotay learned to value his work. It kept him from thinking too much. Besides, it offered a catalyst for his frustration. In the morning, he would get up early and start the day with as much reports that he could read before his duty shift as possible. Then he would go to the bridge and stay there for an appropriate period of time before going to his office to read even more reports. Around midday, Chakotay would walk his daily rounds of the ship, dropping by different departments, and make sure everything was okay. In the evening, he would talk to crewmembers that were in need of his help or advice. Afterwards there would always be a report or two he was supposed to look through. With that daily routine Chakotay was so exhausted that he immediately fell asleep when he finally called it a night and went to bed.

His problems could not be solved that way, that much Chakotay knew. But Kathryn had not come to him again as the weeks had gone by. She might even have forgotten about their night, and seemed very content with the way things were. Chakotay had given up all hope that she might change her mind. That did not ease the pain though.

I always thought that I would have the upper hand
But now I know that I'm really not that strong
If I could only make you understand
I'd give you the world but for a start . . .

Someone demanded entry to Chakotay's quarters, pulling him out of his deep sleep. "Who the hell . . ." he muttered as his gaze fell upon the chronometer. It was around midnight, so who on earth would bother him at such a time? The ship certainly was not under attack for the read alert klaxons were not active. And even if they were he would have felt the ship rocking, wouldn't he?

There it was again, his door chime. Chakotay swung his body out of bed and stood on groggy legs as he slowly left his bedroom and approached his door. He made quite a picture, he was certain of that. Disheveled hair, crumbled shirt and boxers, unsteady movements. In one word: sleepy.

"This had better be damn important," he muttered when he reached the door. Then he leaned against the wall at first because his legs were about to fail him. Chakotay could not remember a time when he had felt so worn out except for . . . well, better not go there.

His door chimed once more, the sound being far too loud for his ears now that he was in direct proximity to it. Chakotay keyed in his code and as the door slit open his gaze fell upon . . . Kathryn? Instantly, he was fully awake. She had turned her profile to him, looking at something that did not register in Chakotay's mind. The sound of his door opening got her attention, however, and she turned to face him, her eyes meeting his.

Kathryn looked so frightened then that Chakotay immediately worried about her. The fact that she was just wearing a robe and probably a nightgown beneath it, though, did not go by unnoticed, but Chakotay wasted no time wondering about that. Instead he raised one eyebrow in question for his voice refused to obey him.

"Do you have a moment?" Kathryn asked in a small voice full of something Chakotay could not define. Was it fear? Pain? Regret? What?

He nodded, his voice still not functioning, stepped aside, and gestured for her to enter. He then went to the replicator, getting a cup of coffee for Kathryn and herbal tea for himself. He felt that he needed something to calm him.

Kathryn was standing in front of his view port, looking out at the passing stars. When he touched her shoulder to get her attention she jumped almost out of her skin and swiveled around. Chakotay handed her the coffee, which she accepted gratefully. He then sat down in an easy chair, whereas Kathryn sat upon the couch. Her cup of coffee, still untouched, she put it on the coffee table in front of her. Her arms wrapped themselves around her slim waist. She was hugging herself tightly as if she was cold, all the while evading his eyes.

"Kathryn, what is it?" Chakotay whispered so as not to startle her, but did not succeed. Her eyes flew briefly to his before she dropped her gaze once more.

Oh, how he longed to take her in his arms and drive away whatever was haunting her, but in their current situation it seemed to be a bad idea. Chakotay was not certain that he would be able to take his hands off her, and Kathryn might not want to be touched by him at all. So he stayed where he was.

"Chakotay, I . . ." Kathryn softly began but stopped again.

Was he mistaken or was that tears shining in her eyes? Chakotay could not be sure for she still refused to look at him. "You can tell me," he gently urged her on, wanting to take her fears away. He was not prepared for her next words though.

"I love you," she said almost too softly for him to hear.

"You what?" Chakotay asked perplexed, his voice cracking. "Please say that again."

Kathryn remained silent though. The tears he thought he imagined, however, began rolling down her face. And still she would not meet his gaze, but had started shaking by now. In one stride Chakotay was with her, crouching in front of her. The arms she had so safely wrapped around herself he untangled and took her tiny hands in one of his broad one. With the other he gently brushed away her tears. It tore at his heart to see her like this, but he could not believe what she had just said. Chakotay needed her to say it again. Only that way he would be sure that he had not imagined it.

"Please, Kathryn," he urged her on, his voice having gone very soft. "Say it again."

Taking in a shuddering breath, Kathryn mouthed, "I love you."

The world around Chakotay disappeared to be filled with a blinding white light. It was as if all he had ever wished for was becoming reality. He felt like he would pass out any moment, but still there were so many unanswered questions. 'Why now?' was the one prominent in his otherwise empty mind.

As if she had read his mind Kathryn began to explain herself. "When I came to you that evening and asked for one single night with you I was so sure it would be enough . . . that it would be all I could ever allow. Still I was hesitant to ask for it because I knew your feelings, wasn't indifferent to them." A new flood of tears made their way down her cheeks. "It was so breathtakingly beautiful that I can't even begin to describe it. It broke my heart to leave you afterwards, but I had to do it. Thoughts of the crew were haunting me. Not of what they might think about a relationship between us two . . . No, certainly not. The well-being of the crew had always been my first priority, you know that. I thought I would sacrifice that if I pursued a relationship with you."

"So, it wasn't because of protocol?" Chakotay interrupted. He needed the complete picture to understand everything she was saying.

"No . . . not directly at least. It was more about me, and what I thought I could get, could allow myself to have. Selfish, I know. Chakotay, don't get me wrong, but you're quite a distraction. It became more and more difficult to concentrate on my work over the years, because thoughts of you kept distracting me. The idea of one night to 'release some tension' was tempting and eventually I asked you. I had it planned so well," she added sarcastically. "I would spend a night with you, get what I want, give you something I knew you wanted too, and after that I would be able to do my work again . . . I was so wrong. All the time I've been so wrong."

"Why are you telling me this, Kathryn?" Throughout her explanation Chakotay had felt his temper rising. Certainly, she had not planned everything without thinking about his feelings, but the fact that she had planned it, and more importantly, the way she had planned it was . . . disgusting in a way. "Is there a point to this?"

Kathryn withdrew her hands from his. "Actually, there is."

Baby, just have a heart
I'm begging you
Let me show you how much I need you
Baby, just have a heart
This much is true
I miss your touch
I'm still in love with you

"I'm here to apologies for the way I treated you and your feelings. I want to explain it to you. And I hope you'll accept my apology."

"You're seeking forgiveness?"

"Yes, that too. But most of all I seek understanding. I don't expect you to like what I did, Chakotay, nor do I expect you to like me after I've finished," Kathryn whispered. "I just need you to listen to me. Then you can decide what you want to do. I realize that I decided for the two of us, merely taking into consideration what I want or what I need."

Chakotay remained silent for a while, considering her words carefully. On one hand, Kathryn had come to him, trying to save what was left to save. She loved him for God's sake! Was that not what he had always wished for? On the other hand, she was telling him things he rather did not know about. She was talking about a side of her that he had always known but chosen to ignore. And still he deeply loved her . . .

"I'm listening," he replied.

Kathryn took a few more breaths. "These last few weeks have been like hell. At night I couldn't sleep because images of that night were haunting me. It was wrong of me to think that one night could be enough. It might've been if we hadn't had feelings for one another. I realized how deeply I cared for you and would have come to you much earlier, but you appeared so content with the way things were. You were confusing me a great deal. I felt wretched about the way I treated you, but you looked like it didn't bother you at all . . ." Chakotay groaned. "What?"

"I thought the same about you," Chakotay clarified. "Minus I didn't know you were in love with me. Playing the role of the content man drained me of all my energy, but I thought you didn't want it any other way. After all we agreed that it could only be one night and I intended to live up to my promise. I didn't want you to feel guilty because I had reckoned without my feelings when I made that promise to you . . . Obviously, I played my role a little too well then."

"Fact is, that I love you, Chakotay. I thought I could be content with silently loving you for I have loved you for a long time. Now I know that I can't, and it still amazes me that you're able to," Kathryn closed. That was not really anything else for her to say, so she waited for his next move. His decision.

It did not take Chakotay long to come to a decision. Certainly, Kathryn had done things he would not even have considered, but she was here now. And she loved him. It always came back to the fact. She loved him. He loved her. He couldn't really say that everything else was unimportant, because it wasn't. But love entailed forgiveness, and who was he to let something so precious as love pass him by?

Once more Chakotay took her hands in his, stroking over them with his thumbs. "Kathryn, look at me." Slowly, she raised her head, frightenedly watching him through puffy eyes. "I love you too. I never was able to hide that from you. I can't say your actions don't bother me, for it would be a lie. Nevertheless, that doesn't change my feelings for you."

In an instant Kathryn was in his arms. Both could feel the other's rapid heartbeat so tightly were they pressed together. And before either of them could form another coherent thought their lips found each other, sharing tender kisses.

"Thank you," Kathryn breathlessly said when they broke apart.

"For what?"

"For having a heart, for forgiving me."

"My pleasure," Chakotay whispered before capturing her mouth once again.

THE END

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