The PADDed Couch


Copyright:

Caffey, KateF and caldosh (Nov. 2001)

Rated:

PG

Disclaimer:

In a moment of utter lucidness, we've decided to once again trespass on Paramount's territory. We're odd that way.

Author's Notes:

Written for and presented as a birthday gift to SylviaK. No matter what you might think, this story actually makes a lot more sense than the one she got last year . . .




From:

Starfleed Personnel – Evaluation Department

To:

Undisclosed Recipients, USS Voyager crew

Subject:

Evaluation Form III, subsection 12, paragraph 3


The following form needs to be filled out truthfully and without reservation. Starfleet will not hold you accountable for its contents.

Please be advised the form must be returned prior to arrival at the nearest starbase.


Kind regards,

Starfleet Personnel, Evaluation Department

S'Por Ritter, Lt. Cmdr.




From:

Harry Kim

To:

Tom Paris

Subject:

Re: Evaluation Form III, subsection 12, paragraph 3


Tom,

Have you read this yet? Are they kidding? I mean, what are we supposed to tell them?

-Harry




From:

Tom Paris

To:

Harry Kim

Subject:

Re: Evaluation Form III, subsection 12, paragraph 3


Harry,

They've lost it. I swear I've never heard of something like this before. I mean, do they actually read the results and act accordingly, or do they just do it to keep us busy? It's not that they would actually do something rational and planned, right? Still, I don't have a clue what to put down.

Tom




From:

Tom Paris

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

Did you get this?

Attachment:

Evaluation.spf (size unknown)


Chakotay,

No idea if they sent you this, but we - Harry and I - thought you should know about it.

They specifically excluded the Captain, but maybe you could do something. Do you think this could have any repercussions on decisions she made?
Let us know if you need help.

Tom




From:

B'Elanna Torres

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

I don't believe this!


Chakotay,

Tell me they're joking! I'm not going to talk about the Captain behind her back, especially not to those p'thaks. Bureaucrats!

Are you gonna tell the Captain? I think she should know. And if you're not going to do it, I will.

B'Elanna




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Subject:

[empty]


Are you free tonight? I think we need to talk about something .

Chakotay




From:

Chakotay

To:

Tom Paris, Harry Kim, B'Elanna Torres

Cc:

Kathryn Janeway

Subject:

Evaluation time


Remember all those hours the Captain and I spent doing crew evaluations. This is the Starfleet way of doing one for the commanding officer of a ship. I was surprised to find I was not exluded as well.

It is customary for Starfleet to evaluate the mission using the crew's comments on their captain. Right before the official briefings start, a summary of those comments is handed to the captain, at which point he or she will be able to explain them.

If you find that other crewmembers are hesitant in replying, please refer them to me.

Chakotay

Who is still familiar with Starfleet protocol


PS: Kathryn, why haven't you answered my question about dinner? I'll even cook!




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

Dinner


I was blissfully oblivious to anything but the hot bubble bath I was enjoying. Now I kind of wish I had drowned in the process. I understand Starfleet's need to know everything in great detail, but now I'm curious about what they want to know. Do you mind giving me hints? Because there's not going to be dinner if you don't.

Kathryn




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Subject:

Re: Dinner


Kathryn,

Are you trying to imply you can resist my cooking? I don't think so. Of course, if you really are that curious, we could always have a late lunch and go through it all. And, before you mention it, I am not addicted to food or anything. Just trying to get some into you, as usual. You can't tell me you've already eaten today. I have my ways to check that.

Chakotay




From:

EMH

To:

Cmdr. Chakotay

Subject:

Am I non-existent?


Official Complaint

When Starfleet sent evaluations forms to all crewmembers, except our dear captain, did they purposely forget me, or is it just a slight mistake on their side?

Please inform them of my complaint, as I am sure my reply would probably be forgotten.

Your always doting and caring EMH




From:

Cmdr. Chakotay

To:

EMH

Subject:

Re: Am I non-existent?


Doctor,

I'm sure Starfleet didn't forget you. The form was sent to the whole crew, except Captain Janeway, and since you're officially listed in the crew's roster, it should automatically have gone to you too. The fact that it didn't suggests a glitch in the mail delivery system. Please check with Lt. Torres for further information.

Sincerely,

Cmdr. Chakotay




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

[empty]


Lunch and dinner? Both on your rations? Not to mention a few cups of coffee to go? Name the place and time and I will be there. Your quarters or mine? Actually I suggest mine, since I'd have to get dressed for anything other than that.

Kathryn




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn

Subject:

Lunch/dinner/breakfast?


You do know I log my padds, right?

Yours,

Chakotay




From:

EMH

To:

Lt. B'Elanna Torres

Subject:

Glitch in the mail delivery system


Lieutenant,

The Commander advised me to approach you about a supposed glitch in the mail delivery system. Apparently, the Starfleet Evaluation Form was sent to everyone but Captain Janeway and me. I'd appreciate your insight on this, and while you're at it, please send me a copy of the form? I'm confident that my perspective on matters considering the Captain might prove invaluable.

Best regards,

EMH




From:

B'Elanna Torres

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

You owe me big time


Chakotay,

You're a weasel. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say you're worse than Tom. How could you send the Doctor to me? There is no glitch in the mail delivery system. But, I'm not going to tell him - you are.

B'Elanna


PS: Don't even think about ordering me to do it.




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

Humor me


Try to access your PADD logs.

Kathryn, Captain and capable engineer




From:

Chakotay

To:

B'Elanna Torres

Subject:

Weaseling


B'Elanna,

I'm certainly no weasel. For all I know it could have been a glitch in the system. Who do you contact if you think there is? Simple: you. Now stop moaning, send him the file and blame it on one of your subordinates. It's the way things work.

Actually, I might need your help on something. I managed to blow my chances on that one happening, right?

Chakotay




From:

B'Elanna Torres, in need of godchildren

To:

Chakotay, yes I'm looking at you!

Subject:

[empty]


Old Man,

You owe me so many things, I have decided to have all of them count towards my new dream.

Inviting the Captain to dinner, Big Guy? Shall I tell Tom to open the betting pool again?

So what do you want me to do?

B'Elanna




From:

Chakotay, acknowledging your request

To:

B'Elanna, who might turn out to play a pivotal part

Subject:

Security coding of personal logs

Attachment:

log1547 B (size unknown)


Be a dear and help me access my own logs again. "Someone" encrypted them.




From:

B'Elanna

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

Re: Security coding of personal logs

Attachment:

log 1547 B


All done. Nice conversation you two were having there. Definitely going to have Tom open those pools. Anything you want to tell me? I really need those rations.

And she didn't really try hard when encrypting them. Piece of cake

B'Ela




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn

Subject:

[empty]


Thank you very much. You're sneaky, but I guess I don't have to tell you that. And you still haven't answered as to when I should drop by, and most importantly, whether or not to bring a clean uniform.

Chakotay




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

[empty]


Chakotay,

Dream on. And you can drop by in 10 minutes or so. I am starving. And you really have to keep that imagination of yours in check.

Kathryn




From:

B'Elanna

To:

Tom

Subject:

I want those rations!


Flyboy,

I'd like to be the first to place my bets on betting pool "Hopeless" part 3. Just make sure you put my monthly rations on events 5 and 7 for next week Thursday.

Me.




From:

Tom

To:

undisclosed recipients

Subject:

"Hopeless" part 3
Security Clearance: sandrines
Priority: urgent


My fellow romantics,

Here we go again, and this time our roving reporter has proof of a possible liaison between this bet's two subjects. We have a definite dinner date, which was arranged over a shared lunch earlier today. My roving reporter claims to have overheard (or over-read as the case might be) the possibility of a shared breakfast, too. Now, we all know this to have happened before, but this time our intrepid Commander was asked to bring a clean uniform.

One slot has been taken already, next Thursday for events 5 and 7, but all the others are still open.

Place your bets!

Tom


PS: As always there is a two weeks ration maximum, and the house only pays when clear proof is provided.



From:

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok

To:

Commander Chakotay

Subject:

Lieutenant Paris' latest antics


Commander Chakotay,

It is my duty to inform you that Lieutenant Paris is abusing Voyager's mail delivery system in order to obtain the crew's replicator rations. Although that would not normally require me to inform you, I believe that in this case it is justified. Apparently Lieutenant Paris' latest "betting pool" focuses on Captain Janeway and yourself - again.

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok




From:

Harry Kim

To:

Tom Paris

Subject:

Run, and run fast


Tom,

Get your belongings, grab your wife and daughter, and make a break for it. Tuvok is on your scent. Don't know how or why, but he apparently decrypted your password, and what's more, he informed Chakotay.

So I repeat: run, and run fast. Miral needs her father.

Harry




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

Coffee icecream?


Chakotay,

I enjoyed dinner, however short it was. Hope you solved the problem.

How do you feel about dessert, once you're finished? I have coffee icecream and I could be persuaded to share...

Kathryn




From:

B'Elanna Torres

To:

Harry Kim

Subject:

Re: Run, and run fast


Harry!

Why is my husband packing up all our belongings? Why is he looking like a scared deer caught in headlights? Don't you have a bridge to command?

B'Elanna


PS: We have you down for Friday morning.




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Subject:

Coffee icecream


I'm about to cut Tom's head off. Maybe I can borrow B'Elanna's bat'leth. Normally, I'm not a violent person, I guess, but there are exceptions to that. Coffee icecream sounds great, actually. Hope you don't mind bloodstains on my shirt. Again, shall I bring a spare uniform?

Chakotay




From:

Harry Kim

To:

B'Elanna

Subject:


Tell that husband of yours to get out of there as soon as possible. Pissed Commander is on his way. Tuvok managed to spread the word on our little betting pool, so Tom is in deep shit.

Harry




From:

Tom Paris

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

As per your orders

Attachment:

betting_pool_participants_list.txt


Commander,

Since I just disclosed "classified" information, you may want to quit trying to rip my head off. I'm sure there are many, many people standing in line now, thanks to you.

Tom


PS: Sit down before you open the attachment.




From:

Commander Chakotay

To:

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok

Subject:

Re: Lieutenant Paris' antics


Lieutenant Commander Tuvok,

For future reference, keep your nose out of other people's business.

Commander Chakotay




From:

Starfleet Evaluation Department

To:

The Crew, Starship Voyager NCC-74656

Subject:

Evaluation of Captain K. Janeway

Attachment:

none


Our apologies for not replying sooner, but we have been busy.

Unfortunately we are not able to send back the evaluation form, because on arrival it was unrecognizably and unreparably scrambled by our mail delivery system.

Once again our sincerest apologies. We will look forward to receiving a new copy once we reach the Alpha Quadrant.


Kind regards,

Lt. B'Elanna Torres

Chief Engineer




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Subject:

Replicate that icecream


Am on my way. Tom's still alive. He bribed me. Almost there. Hear the doorbell?

Chakotay




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Tom Paris

Subject:

Bring on those rations


Tom,

I'm expecting to receive my win as soon as possible, preferably yesterday.

Captain Kathryn "Don't Mess With Me" Janeway




From:

Tom Paris

To:

undisclosed recipients

Subject:

We have a winner!


My dear fellow "not so hopeless anymore" romantics,

After close to 5 years of trying to keep the "Hopeless" part 3 betting pool alive, we have finally managed to resolve this one.

Commander Chakotay is the lucky winner! Not only does he get all our rations, he also got his lady. Congratulations, Big Guy, we all know what you need the rations for.

Tom


PS: and Captain, contrary to popular belief, I am innocent!




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Subject:

You sneaky bastard!


What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too!




THE END


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