PADDicament


Copyright:

Caffey (2001)

Rated:

PG-13

Disclaimer:

Hi, Paramount! Oh no, I'm not doing this for cash. What, you don't believe me and would I please explain the concept of "writing for enjoyment to you"? I guess I should have seen this coming, as your script writing didn't exactly reflect your love for your characters. What do you mean, you want to sue me and could I please keep still for the police officer to handcuff me? I'LL KICK YOUR - (Sadly, the recording ends with a lot of foul language and screaming, not suitable for anyone under the age of 47.)

Author's Note:

I'm officially freaked out now. Never thought I'd venture this far into Kerry's territory and actually try my hand at writing a PADD story. Normally I wouldn't have done it either (seeing as I repeatedly stated I wouldn't do it), but Kerry requested I write a specific story for her, and I already was at a loss three paragraphs into the first draft (which wasn't PADD at all). Then I went to take long, hot bath which I spent reading Fiona Walker's latest novel which reads like one of Kerry's PADD stories (I swear, those two ARE related somehow. Name, style, humor - everything is very scarily alike). An idea immediately began to form in my mind and the rest, as they say, is history. So without further ado, but Kerry's permission, may I present my first and last PADD story ever . . .

This story won 1st place in AstroGirl's "Your PADD or Mine" contest, February 2003.






From:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain

To:

B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant

Time Sent:

1609 hours


Lieutenant Torres,

I require your technical insight on a pressing matter. Upon the completion of trade arrangements, I have been given an unusual gift whose function eludes me. Seeing as I would prefer to refrain from causing a misunderstanding with the Prime Minister when he beams on board, I would appreciate your opinion on the object.

I included a three-dimensional holo-picture and the result of the computer's analysis that I have run prior to contacting you. However, should you need to see the object for yourself, you can come by my Ready Room at your earliest convenience.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

Attachments:

gift. hpc

analysis. txt




From:

B'Elanna Torres, stumped Chief Engineer

To:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain

Time Sent:

1652 hours


Captain,

I can see how that gift might have thrown you for a loop. I'm afraid I can't figure out its function either, without taking a look at it. It's unlike anything I've ever seen before, save a building block. Somehow I'm convinced that the solution isn't that simple, though.

I'll be with you in five minutes.

B'Elanna Torres




From:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain and highest Starfleet authority in the DQ

To:

B'Elanna Torres, dead meat in training

Time Sent:

1734 hours


B'Elanna,

I'll personally wring your neck and bust you down to crewman if you do so much as breathe a word to anyone. Not necessarily in that order. It's embarrassing enough to know just what kind of gift I've been given, without my senior staff smirking at me. Or, worse yet, your smart-ass husband making flippant remarks.

I can't believe that I'm required to display it in a prominent location when the Prime Minister visits.

Kill me now.

Kathryn Janeway




From:

B'Elanna Torres, who values her life

To:

Kathryn Janeway, one scary commanding officer

Time Sent:

1740 hours


Captain,

I may have suffered from temporary insanity when I married Tom, but I'm not that dense. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, and I'm sure no one will suspect anything; it does look like a building block, after all.

Have you tested its functionality yet?

B'Elanna




From:

Kathryn Janeway, who can't believe she's discussing this topic at all

To:

B'Elanna Torres, who is treading on thin ice

Time Sent:

1758 hours


B'Elanna,

Shut.

Up.

Captain Janeway




From:

B'Elanna Torres, who seems to have hit a nerve

To:

Kathryn Janeway, seemingly one pissy Captain

Time Sent:

1803 hours


Captain,

I'll take that as a no.

B'Elanna




From:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain USS Voyager NCC-74656

To:

B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant

Time Sent:

1807 hours


Lieutenant,

If you do not cease your indecent behavior, I will be forced to put an official reprimand in your records. Do I make myself clear?

Captain Kathryn Janeway




From:

B'Elanna Torres, who has a relapse of temporary insanity

To:

Kathryn Janeway, whose mood swings can't be normal

Time Sent:

1815 hours


Captain,

I'm looking forward to reading your reason for doing so. 'Lieutenant Torres had the indecency to inquire about my sex toy' doesn't read too well when you think about it. Not to mention that you swore me to secrecy only forty-one minutes ago, and an official reprimand would raise a lot of questions which I know you don't want to hear in the first place.

You were saying?

B'Elanna




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

B'Elanna Torres, Resident Gutter Rat

Time Sent:

1829 hours


B'Elanna,

You've spent too much time with that husband of yours, his weasely way of thinking has obviously rubbed off on you. I've never thought you capable of blackmailing a superior officer.

Kathryn Janeway




From:

B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer with many talents

To:

Kathryn Janeway, who's still evading the original question

Time Sent:

1900 hours


Captain,

Never underestimate an Academy drop-out turned Maquis turned Starfleet officer. I do, however, resent your suggestion that Tom's responsible. I don't need a man to teach me anything.

Which brings us full circle: Will you test your 'gift' anytime soon?

B'Elanna




From:

Kathryn Janeway, who is close to roaring in frustration

To:

B'Elanna Torres, S. A. D.

Time Sent:

1912 hours


B'Elanna,

I'm not that desperate.

Kathryn Janeway




From:

B'Elanna Torres

To:

Kathryn Janeway, whose quarters are hopefully soundproof

Time Sent:

1914 hours


Yet.




From:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain

To:

Chakotay, Commander

Time Sent:

1933 hours


Chakotay,

I'm afraid I can't join you for dinner, as something important has come up which I have to deal with now. Can we put it off till tomorrow?

Thanks,

Kathryn




From:

Chakotay

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Time Sent:

1941 hours


Kathryn,

Anything I can help you with?

It would be shame to waste this delicious meal. We can eat in your quarters if that's more convenient.

Chakotay




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Time Sent:

1946 hours


Chakotay,

It's nothing I can't handle on my own.

And I'm not hungry. Besides which, it's replicated dinner - you can easily dispose of it without really wasting anything. The recipe will still be part of the replicator programming tomorrow evening.

See you on alpha shift,

Kathryn




From:

Chakotay, Commander

To:

B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant

Time Sent:

2001 hours


B'Elanna,

I've just been stood up for dinner, and I believe it's your fault. Whatever you and the Captain were discussing in the Ready Room today, she's been subdued ever since. Care to tell me what's going on?

Chakotay




Original Message:


Chakotay, Commander

FWD From:

B'Elanna Torres

To:

Kathryn Janeway

Time Sent:

2003 hours


> B'Elanna,

>

> I've just been stood up for dinner, and I believe it's your

> fault. Whatever you and the Captain were discussing in the

> Ready Room today, she's been subdued ever since. Care to tell

> me what's going on?

>

>Chakotay


What the hell do I tell him?

B'Elanna




From:

B'Elanna Torres, who is getting impatient

To:

Kathryn Janeway, the real S. A. D.

Time Sent:

2013 hours


Captain?




From:

B'Elanna Torres, Innocent Bystander

To:

Chakotay, who is seeing things that aren't there

BCC:

Kathryn Janeway

Time Sent:

2020 hours


Chakotay,

I fail to see how that is my fault, so leave me out of it. If the Captain cancels dinner, she will have her reasons for doing so. Reasons that don't involve me. Why do you think that anyway? It's not exactly unusual for a captain and chief engineer to discuss ship's business on duty.

B'Elanna




From:

Chakotay

To:

B'Elanna Torres

Time Sent:

2032 hours


B'Elanna,

Innocent, my foot. You seem to be forgetting that I've known you longer than anyone else on this ship. You're as far as from innocent as can be. Besides which, I happen to know that normal ship's business requires a report that eventually ends up on my desk. Either you're running late with yours, or something is going on.

Chakotay




Original message:


Chakotay

FWD From:

B'Elanna Torres, who could use some help

To:

Kathryn Janeway, AWOL

Time Sent:

2036 hours


> B'Elanna,

>

> Innocent, my foot. You seem to be forgetting that I've

> known you longer than anyone else on this ship. You're as far

> as from innocent as can be. Besides which, I happen to know

> that normal ship's business requires a report that eventually

> ends up on my desk. Either you're running late with yours,

> or something is going on.

>

>Chakotay


Captain,

I'll blame this on you if you don't help me out. There's only so many things I can do to keep up this subterfuge, but writing a report on non-existent warp core problems isn't one of them.

B'Elanna




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

B'Elanna Torres

Time Sent:

2043 hours


B'Elanna,

I'll deal with it. You keep your mouth shut. Understood?

Kathryn Janeway




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay, one suspicious man

Time Sent:

2048 hours


Chakotay,

Stop harassing my Chief Engineer, would you?

Kathryn




From:

B'Elanna Torres, who is grateful but nosy

To:

Kathryn Janeway, who'd better spill the beans

Time Sent:

2048 hours


Captain,

Nice to know you're still alive. Judging by how long it took you to respond, I'm assuming your 'gift' is fully functional and satisfactory. I'm still waiting for an answer, you know.

As for Chakotay, I'm beginning to think that he's got too much time on his hands on duty. For someone who is supposed to be manning the bridge in your absence, he's rather perceptive when it comes to your moods.

B'Elanna




From:

Chakotay, First Officer and Ex-Maquis

To:

Kathryn Janeway, who is hiding something

Time Sent:

2055 hours


Kathryn,

Either you're psychic, or B'Elanna has been talking to you. I'm leaning towards the latter. What in the hell is going on? Both of you are at your oddest behavior, and if I didn't know better, I'd say that you're keeping a secret from me.

Come to think of it, I don't know better.

Chakotay




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

Chakotay

Time Sent:

2100 hours


B'Elanna,

Never assume. Contrary to public belief, I'm not sex-deprived, though why I'm telling you this is beyond me. In any case, I don't need an alien sex toy to enjoy my evenings. For your information, I was taking a long, hot bubble bath.

Kathryn Janeway




From:

Kathryn Janeway

To:

B'Elanna Torres, don't you have a husband to keep you preoccupied?

Time Sent:

2100 hours


Chakotay,

I'll have you know that I'm not behaving oddly. I simply changed my mind about dinner - woman's prerogative. And you, Mister, are imagining things. Just because I canceled on you doesn't mean anything has to be going on. Remember, the ship comes first.

How about I make it up to tomorrow? I still owe you a full body massage for your latest excellent performance. Never knew what naughty things one could do with ice-cream. I'm still somewhat sore . . .

Kathryn




From:

B'Elanna Torres, whose eyes have grown to the size of saucers

To:

Kathryn Janeway, Queen of all things ice-cream

Time Sent:

2105 hours


Too much information!!!




From:

Chakotay, who is laughing his ass off

To:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain and in need of glasses

Time Sent:

2109 hours


Kathryn,

An alien sex toy? Naughty, naughty. So that's why you cancelled dinner. If you need to indulge in some fun activities, my door is always open for you. All you have to do is bring a bottle of wine and a smile - clothes are optional.

Your Intrigued Maquis Lover




From:

Kathryn Janeway, Captain and don't you forget it

To:

B'Elanna Torres, mere Lieutenant and don't you forget that either

Time Sent:

2110 hours


Lieutenant Torres,

Consider yourself under orders to delete the message I just sent to you, and erase all evidence of it ever having been sent in the first place. And while you're at it, forget you got it. Bang your head on the desk, have the Doctor erase your short term memory if necessary. I don't care how you do it, but consider the consequences if you don't.

No one can hear you scream in space.

Captain Kathryn Janeway




From:

Kathryn Janeway, who is somewhat in a rush

To:

Chakotay, my one and only sex toy

Time Sent:

2115 hours


I'll bring the ice-cream . . .




THE END


Feedback, please?