How To Tell Him

"My, this is really getting to me," Kathryn muttered, having paced the length of her quarters for quite some time now. She was trying to figure out a way to tell him. Him . . . Chakotay . . . Only this morning she had woken to the most pleasant yet unsatisfying dream she had ever had.

For quite some time now Chakotay invaded her dreams. If he only did that during the nights, she would probably do nothing about it. But she had been distracted for days, weeks, now. Daydreaming in her ready room is acceptable. She really could live with that. It only was that she daydreamed on the bridge, too. Whenever he smiled at her, her heart would skip a beat. Whenever he moistened his lips, she would imagine those same lips pressed against her own. When those situations occurred she retreated to her ready room, calming down and arguing with herself about the consequences of a relationship with Chakotay.

It wasn't because of protocol that she hadn't told him already. It also had nothing to do with the crew. They could think what they wanted. And from want she knew, they would even be happy, if both commanding officers got together. No, the crew wasn't the problem or one special crewmember. She believed even Tuvok would be able to understand her need for companionship on this journey, or at least would get used to it. No, she was simply scared of the consequences, if such a relationship didn't work out.

Unpleasant memories returned to her then. She remembered their argument over the Borg, how wretched she had felt because of his disapproval. Sure, her plan had worked out then but their relationship had been strained for weeks, month even. That had been the first time she had realized how much she depended on him, on his happiness. How much she needed his strength and support. And so she had been utterly relieved when they had started their working dinners again. Although first it had been all business, not at all a relaxed dinner. She had had no idea how far she could go with her usual teasing. He had still seemed upset about the matter therefore she had kept her distance, and the dinners professional. Then, about two weeks later, he had begun to call her Kathryn again. She had been unprepared for the utter happiness that washed over her then. From then on things had become normal again, except her dreams. They had become centered on one specific person.

In the beginning she had dreamt of his smile only, feeling like it would shine through all her pain. A sense of peace had floated through her entire being after she had woken. Later her dreams had become more focused on things he could do with his hands and lips. In them she had been kissed like she had never been kissed before. When she had woken after such kind of dreams she still had felt better but had also been saddened by the fact that it hadn't been real. Now she had those kind of dreams where she barely got a chance to breathe because in them Chakotay was doing amazing things to her senses. Now, when she awoke, she felt very, very unsatisfied because the dreams usually ended before the best part. So she carried the remnants of her erotic dreams with her all day.

Today she had found herself staring at Chakotay on the bridge. That itself was nothing new to her. She had done it often during the last days or weeks even. No, the worst part was that Paris had noticed, even gone so far to tease her about it. It was then that she decided to tell Chakotay. There was absolutely no way she would be running around the ship with an ever-suspicious Tom Paris following her very move, waiting for the opportunity to embarrass her even more.

Of course, what he had said hadn't given away much except that he just knew how she was feeling about Chakotay. It was in Paris' character to drop some insinuations here and there. She couldn't possibly be mad at him for it, after all no real damage had been done and such things were good for moral. Chakotay, however, had been puzzled by her reaction to Paris' remark, as had been the rest of the bridge crew for that matter.

She had blushed under the scrutinizing glances of them, then gone to her ready room, literally fled the bridge. She hadn't come out for the remnants of her shift. Only after her shift had been over for two hours, she had gone directly to her quarters. Now she was trying to find a way to tell Chakotay about her feelings for him. Many possibilities had crossed her mind, most of them abandoned quickly.

She didn't hear the door chime nor did she realize that someone overrode her lock, so deep in thought she was. Only then, as a hand came down on her shoulder she became aware, so startled by the touch that she instinctively punched that someone's ribcage with her right elbow. The sound of a familiar voice saying "Owe!" made her realize it was Chakotay. She quickly turned to see if he was all right and found him kneeling on the floor, holding his ribs.

His face was unusually pale; his eyes were tightly shut. A frown had developed on his forehead while he tried to calm down his irregular breathing. She immediately went down next to him.

"Oh God I'm sorry Chakotay. You startled me and I reacted on reflex," she apologized, helping him to stand, then leading him towards the couch. He groaned quietly as he carefully sat upon it.

"I must admit," he started once he sat as comfortable as he could manage, "you do have quite a punch." Her face fell upon hearing this. She had never intended to hurt him, neither physically or his feelings.

Tell him! her mind suddenly screamed at her.

How? she screamed back.

Doesn't matter, just do it! So she started to speak only to be interrupted by him.

"Chakotay - "

"Kathryn - "

They said simultaneously, then broke into laughter that quickly calmed down. His ribs simply protested under the stress and he groaned once more. She watched him concerned.

"Maybe you should go to sickbay," she suggested.

"No, they're not broken. It'll pass," re replied. "So what did you want to tell me?"

"You first," she countered. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you're alright. You know, after that little scene on the bridge you haven't come out of your ready room and I was concerned." After a short pause he added, "And I'm curious, too. What was it all about?"

Now both her mind and Chakotay trapped her. Either she came up with a really convincing lie or she told him. The latter it was, she decided. That was, after all, her original intention. Besides not one nearly convincing lie came to her mind.

"Do you remember what Paris said?" she eventually asked.

"Yes. He said, 'A sight one could fall in love with, isn't it Captain?'" He tried to look her in the eye, which wasn't that easy at all. She wouldn't meet his gaze.

"And what do you think he meant?" she asked further. He obviously hadn't caught the underlying tone in Paris' statement.

"The ribbons of color from the nebula. I myself found it quite - "

"Paris caught my staring at you," she said quietly, interrupting him mid-sentence.

It took a few moments to sink in, and a few more for him to realize that she had answered with an honest "yes" to Paris question. Still he wouldn't trust his ears. He just had to be sure he had understood her properly.

"You mean . . ." he trailed off, afraid he was wrong. He didn't want to think about the awkwardness they would feel afterward if he was.

"Yes, I love you Chakotay." Her gaze finally met his. She desperately hoped he was still feeling the same about her. She couldn't be sure after all that time and all they had been through.

As it turned out, she worried without reason. His face lit up as did his eyes, and he was hugging her within seconds. Her body was tightly pressed against his larger one, and she felt as if he would never let her go. Not that it bothered her or something.

"I love you too," she heard him murmur into her hair and hugged him even harder. His recently injured ribs protested once again, so he drew apart reluctantly only to settle her in his lap moments later. His forehead dropped against hers, his eyes were closed.

"But why were you pacing in your quarters?" he asked eventually.

A faint smile graced her lips as she drew back slightly so she could look him in the eye.

"I was figuring out how to tell you."

"And you thought physical abuse was one way to do so?" he teased.

This got him the death glare before it was replaced by a mischievous smile that made her look even more beautiful to him.

"Well, it worked, didn't it?"

THE END

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