Making It Right

Walking in the woods should help me relax. It doesn't though. It just doesn't want to soothe my pain. Or am I the one that keeps the woods from calming me? I just can't seem to stop thinking about that night. I'm tormenting myself, I know, but I can't help it. Why did she do it? Making me suffer. Again. I hate her for it and yet I love her, too.

I should have known. I should have stopped it before it started.

Knowing her the way I do, I should have seen it coming. I'm thankful it didn't happen while we were still aboard Voyager. I couldn't have handled it, of that I'm sure. Hell, I can't handle it right now. Yet I don't regret it. Sure it hurts badly, now that I know she's done it again. But I won't forget the way we moved together, the way she looked as she climaxed.

Who am I kidding? Of course, I regret that night. She's taken advantage of me in my condition. Maybe released some tension, and left when she had what she wanted. I won't forget though. I'm angry, I'm hurting, I'm drowning in self-pity.

Another thing that I regret is the way I left. Not her though, but her mother. Mrs. Janeway is a kind person. I liked her the minute I first saw her. I know she was aware that something happened between me and Kathryn, that I left because of it. I couldn't tell her what her daughter did to me, so I told her something about a meeting with an old friend.

The woods aren't soothing me a bit. I think I'm going to go home and maybe get myself drunk or something. It shouldn't take much alcohol.

I've never drunk much, more likely seldom. One or two glasses of whiskey should do the job. Hopefully, I can forget then for a few hours.

I stop dead in my tracks. I don't believe it, Kathryn is sitting on the steps to my house. What is she doing here? How did she get here? I can't remember telling her where I live. My mood darkens immediately. Maybe when I turn now and head back into the woods she won't see me. Maybe she's gone when I come back later. These are a lot of maybes and it's not my lucky day.

"Chakotay, stop!" she calls after me.

I don't, though. She's still acting like the captain, ordering me around. You know what, Kathryn? We're not aboard Voyager anymore. I can't see why I should follow your orders. I keep walking.

"I am sorry," she tries again.

Sorry doesn't cut it anymore, Kathryn. You've hurt me way too many times.

"I . . . love you."

I stop, but remain silent. Say it again and I may turn.

"I love you and I am sorry. Terribly sorry."

Okay, I turn around and watch her carefully. She's out of breath, most likely from the running. Her eyes are watching me as well, her head is bent to one side.

The time for word is gone. Now actions are in order. I need reaffirmation that she meant what she said. I don't know if she sees it coming. Maybe. Maybe not.

I steer for her, let her back away until the tree behind her stops her retreat. She's breathing hard. Still from running after me or because of what is about to come next, I can't tell. I kiss her hard, letting her feel all my pain and anger. I make sure she can't escape. She doesn't try either. Instead she's kissing me back, equally hard. I haven't spoken a single word, and I don't intend to now. My hands are under her dress, ripping off her panties. She doesn't complain, instead she's fiddling with my pants until she has them open.

I take her against this tree and I'm most likely not thinking about what I'm doing. My mind has gone blank, I'm purely concentrating on my actions. It changes though, when she bites down on my shoulder as she comes. It adds to my climax. As I come down from my high I suddenly realize what I did, to whom and why. My knees give away under me and I collapse, leaning my head against her stomach. Her hands are in my hair now, slowly roaming through it. She's shaking, I can feel that. Slipping down the tree, she's kneeling as well now.

I look up and she's crying silently, the tears are falling in rivers from her eyes. Feeling ashamed, wreched is more accurate actually, I look away.

The first words spoken come from her.

"Chakotay . . ." Her voice is shaking as well, adding to my misery. "Look at me, please."

I can't, knowing what I've done. I hurt her. I've never wanted to hurt her, even when she's hurt me numerous times. She doesn't give up though. I feel her fingers under my chin, slowly turning my face back to her. She's still crying and now I am, too.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, much too ashamed to look her in the eyes. "I didn't want to hurt you."

She's shaking her head, lifting my chin even higher until I have no choice but have to make eye contact.

"Those words should have come from me," she tells me. "You didn't hurt me."

"Why are you here?"

"To tell you that I am sorry. To tell you that I love you . . . To make it right somehow."

Making it right again isn't so easy. I know she's aware of that, but seems to have to give it a try.

"I'd like that."

*

Hours later we're still sitting under the tree. It's started raining and I've wanted to go inside, but Kathryn has insisted we stay.

She's said that she liked the rain and she didn't want to move just yet. While the rain is soaking through our clothes, she tells me about the argument with her mother after I left. I can't help myself, I have to hug her close, while she's talking. Kathryn's sitting between my legs, her arms are resting over mine. My chin is resting on her head.

"Chakotay?"

"Mmm?"

"We have to contact my mother later."

"We?"

"Yes. She's told me that I'm not allowed to come back until we've hashed things out. I want to tell her and thank her."

I laugh very, very hard. Kathryn is 48 years old and her mother is treating her like a child. But of course, I know the why. Kathryn has told me about it. I think I have to thank Kathryn's mother, too, when I see her next.

Kathryn's watching me strangely, the way she always does when she's amazed.

"What is it?" I ask.

She gives me a shy smile. She is still not sure what to do. Under these circumstances I can understand her very well.

"You're laughing."

"And?"

"Well . . ."

"I know." I really do. I guess we have to get used to the situation and hopefully will forget about the pain, we've caused each other.

I'm certain though, that we'll be awkward with one another a little while longer.

I notice she's shivering in the cool evening air. And that she's soaked to her bones doesn't help it.

"What about we head inside now?" I suggest. "You're cold and so am I."

She's shivering even more, proving me right. Standing up, Kathryn helps me to stand as well. Slowly, we make our way back to my house.

Her hand's still holding mine, reassuringly I suppose.

*

She's gone showering. I have to smile about that. Knowing Kathryn, she's probably thinking about a nice hot bubble bath right now.

Unfortunately, I've never come around to install a bathtub in my bathroom. Always something would keep me from it, like Starfleet's debriefings or my visit with B'Elanna and Tom.

I wonder if I can join her. I'm cold, dirty and a warm shower would help with that. I guess, asking her can't hurt. So I knock on the door.

"Kathryn?"

"Yes?" comes her muffled voice.

The water is still running. Good, she hasn't finished yet.

"Mind if I join you?"

"No. Come, it's actually quite nice here!"

Believe me I can imagine. I open the door, drop off the robe I'm wearing and join her. She's smiling at me, kissing the top of my nose. Then her smile fades and she's watching my reaction. Well, what do you think my reaction will be? I kiss her back, placing tender kisses on her lips. I want to see that smile again and I succeed. As she shivers this time it's a response to my kisses. Her arms wind around my neck, her breasts are rubbing against my chest and I become aroused again. She can feel it too when the evidence of my arousal is pressing into her belly.

We take our time this time. I don't want to repeat my earlier actions, now that we have things in perspective again. And I must admit it's quite an experience, making love under the shower. And that's what it is. We're making love, soft and tender love. She's moaning softly into my ear, spurning me on. I shower her neck with small kisses while I increase my pace a little. My own need is growing with each passing second and I doubt I'll hold out much longer. I swallow our cries with one last passionate kiss as we climax together. Waiting a moment longer until she's calmed, I prolong the kiss.

After that we finish quite quickly, washing each other and kissing now and then. I need to touch her, because all this seems like a dream. One moment I've had what I always wanted, her. The next we're both hurting, and now she's with me again. Incredible doesn't quite describe it. And I think she needs the touches, too.

Now Kathryn's sitting on a chair in front of the terminal. She's about to call her mother. I'm not far away, but out of sight for her mother. The screen goes on and Mrs. Janeway appears. Her first question makes me smile broadly.

"Where's Chakotay?" she asks suspiciously.

I step into her field of vision and sit beside Kathryn.

"I'm here."

"Thank goodness my daughter did something right! Are you both fine?"

"We're fine," Kathryn answers, looking to me and smiling. "Quite fine."

"Chakotay?" her mother asks, seeking reaffirmation.

"You can believe her. We're fine," I say.

"Good. What about you both are visiting this old woman in a few days? I miss you already."

This time I look to Kathryn. She's nodding and so am I.

"We'd love to," I tell Gretchen. "What about tomorrow?"

"That's great! Should I make two rooms ready or just one?"

"Mom," Kathryn groans, blushing. I can't help it, I have to laugh.

"One room will do. Thanks."

Her mother smiles, then yawns.

"It's quite late. I won't disturb you any longer. And Kathryn? Don't you make the same mistake again. I'm too old for this."

"I won't," Kathryn replies seriously.

"That's good. Sleep well you two!"

"You, too," we say simultaneously.

Then the connection closes and we're alone again. So, what do we do now? I think we've talked enough for one day and I'm tired, too.

Helping her up, I slowly lead her to the bedroom. Inside I reach into my closet and pull out one of my shirts. The white long one, of that I'm sure will be way too big for her. I watch her change, content and smiling. When she is finished, I kiss her, take her hand and help her into my bed. Climbing in beside her, I pull her close and a few more gentle kisses follow. We're holding onto each other tight as we drift off to sleep.

In the early hours of morning I wake up and notice she's watching me again. I'm amazed she's still here with me. Somehow, I've doubted it, but I'm glad I was wrong. As she's so safely wrapped in my arms, I remember our first time. Or more precisely, the time after.

"May I now tell you?" I ask her.

She looks puzzled for a moment before I see recognation dawning on her face. She smiles up to me, saying, "Yes . . . Yes, you may as often as you want to."

"I love you."

I'm finally believing that we *can* make it right this time. It will be all right again . . .

THE END

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